letters from an insomniac.

• have you ever gotten on a sleep schedule that just didn't let you sleep?

it is now almost three am and i'm not tired. i went through a spell for an hour or two where i was almost there... but now, it's ruined. i am here, awake, and online. i think once you don't go to bed until 4 in the morning for a consecutive four days in a row... or is it five... your body won't let you sleep anymore. ruined i tell you.

• have you ever been addicted to someone?

i'm talking online, and i've realized that there are many things to be addicted to... cigarettes, chocolate, aol instant messenger, reading a book before you go to sleep (currently 11 minutes by paulo something or another the guy who wrote the alchemist... superb...), a person in particular. it's funny how something can just overwhelm you to the point where no amout will let you give it up. almost ocd style. in a good way. not an "i need therapy" way:) it's been a while.

• have you ever tried something twice purely to determine if you liked it?

the marijuana bug bit again last night, purely because i was so focused on what the hell was happening the first time around i thought i'd try again. i don't think i liked it.
i ordered the spicy chicken something pizza from fazolis. had two bites. didn't like it and don't recommend it.
garden state is out on dvd now. i saw it twice in the theatres because it was ruined the first time by people saying "wow i think you'll really like this movie" or "watch this part, it's hilarious". i need to watch it again.
i wish my mind was a little more quick to determine.

• have you ever just had a weirdo connection with someone?

paul asked tonight how much change we thought was in his pocket while we were watching anchorman (i still think i can say i haven't seen it since i was more conversational... or rather... everyone else was... during it all...); tim and i both responded "four eighty"... well, he said four eighty three and i just said four eighty.... at the same exact time. who does that? maybe we're just really good guessers, since the answer was four sixty nine or something like that.

• have you ever had the cheesy gordita crunch?

it's at taco bell. not on the menu board anymore, those sneaky people, but trust me, it's superb. almost all of us got it tonight in the drive thru. it comes highly recommended. by myself.

• ever seen eternal sunshine of the spotless mind?

one of my favorites. thought i'd throw it out there.

• have you ever been so bored you thought you were going to explode?

laying around gets a little old once in a while. although circuit city breaks up the monotony for me, it's still brookfield, and it's still the same. (amanda ~ any new ideas? let me know. :)

• have you ever gotten a piece of jewlery as a present?

having an ex boyfriend that owns a jewlery store came in handy, and apparently still does. my dad, not being the greatest liar or hider of key bits of information, told me he talked to steve the other day. ha. why would he do that unless he was at the store. by talking to steve, also not a good hider of key bits, i can plan on receiving another piece of something pretty soon. it's a shame i've gone from wearing pretty things to the rubber bands that are currently around my wrist and the handmade necklaces out of thread. oops. maybe i'll grow out of it soon. either way, i'll still have the something beautifuls around.

• have you ever just sat back and basked in the fact that you are a dork?

you are. you're a dork. i may be a much larger one than you, but you know you are, my friend.

sleep sweet.

sleep sound.

sweet dreams.

merry christmas... eve.

can i just ask who enjoys christmas?

as a 19 year old college student, things obviously aren't the same as they were when i was eight, or another random young age when christmas was the greatest holiday in the world. as an only child, the holiday used to be built up because not only did i receive pretty much most anything i asked for, but i was able to be surrounded by family. all extended family would gather around and we'd do dumb things like play board games. but it quelled my lonliness for a while when i was young. now, it just seems like a hastle. cousins are grown up, married, and too lazy to visit; families moved even farther away; it got stupid. i started to buy my own christmas presents, or go with my mom to pick them all out. i still generally get what i would like, but it's just not the same. there's no spirit left in the holiday. it just seem like a waste of time. a hectic time.

what is the purpose for me to have one meal a year with family i barely even know, and talk about completely useless things and put up with an obnoxious seven year old that no one wants to deal with? it just isn't the same. maybe when you grow up and, sorry to spoil it for some of you, there's no santa, it's just ruined kind of. i didn't even have time to wrap presents this year, and i didn't even shop for most of my friends. it just feels so different this year. like it doesn't matter, as if it's just another day. however, jesus was still born, and it will continue to be his birthday tomorrow whether or not it feels like christmas to me. so sorry about that one, Big Guy. (even though i'm extremely non-practicing, i still feel the need to acknowledge the fact that i do realize the true meaning of christmas.)

this year, the kicker is the fact that although i usually split the holiday between the two parents, my mom getting christmas eve and my dad getting christmas day, this year i seem to be in even more limbo than i usually am. we are stopping our 10pm mass tradition that we have always followed through on for as long as i can remember, and substituted it for a 10am christmas day mass. one that i am not able to go to because of my prior engagement at my dad's. my mom doesn't want me, nor is letting me skip christmas mass for the first time in my life, so i have the extreme pleasure of going to 10pm mass by myself tonight. awesome. how depressing, seriously, to sit in church, surrounded by families, by yourself, because your entire family is going the next day and you can't go. tis the season i suppose. and i mean, i wouldn't even go really if it was up to me. as jason would say, "don't shit on my religion," and i don't usually. i just don't feel the need to hypocritically go to mass on three major holidays and never any other times. so awesome. i'm super excited about it.

[sigh]

side note: while working at circuit city yesterday, a mom left a simple spiral notebook on the counter. naturally curious and extremely nosy, i open it an hour or two later, when it was clear this person wasn't going to run back in and question what i was doing. it was a little boy's handwriting, the top titled "My Christmas List - Mom". the following four pages were items 1 through 84 or so, the numbers continuing to 100, as if he couldn't quite make it. with each page i turned, i was more and more shocked. i couldn't believe this little boy could think of 84 things that he wanted for christmas. granted, they were all dvd's or ps2/nintendo/whatever other system games, with some "big pool table"-type things inserted between, but man. i miss those days. when i knew exactly what i wanted to play with. when i could go through the jc penney toy catalog and just circle things on every other page. but man. it was pretty intense, let me tell you. good for that kid. i hope he got half of the things he asked for.

with that, i hope your christmas is spectacular... and that santa brings you all that you wanted and more.

:)

marijuana virgin

tim scolded me recently for not keeping up with this, b/c being the bored kids we are, we need something to occupy our time apparently. so back here i am, way behind on things to chat about, so i'm sort of skipping all of them and going to the most recent ~ marijuana.

so two nights ago i proceeded to fulfill the tradition once again of going to see the life sized nativity scene with sarah and stevie. this time however, we were armed with two polaroid cameras, 40 exposures, and a regular camera, as well as a baggie of pot and two different pipes. the night went on without a hitch: sarah and i getting out every so often to pose in front of absolutely tacky decorations, stevie insisting on kneeling and folding his hands next to a baby jesus or two. we were only almost foiled once, when a neighbor and his unusually loud dog stopped to look at what we were doing. i stop in my tracks to hear sarah say "it's okay, it's just for our scavenger hunt." i high five the 9 foot inflated santa for a picture, turn around and say "how many more do we have left?" as i turn on the lights of my car suspiciously. oops. oh well. instead of just heading to new berlin as we did last time however, this adventure took us to brookfield and waukesha as well. [sigh] what is wrong with the world today. we began to know instictively which neighborhoods would be the tacky decorations gold mine. all in all, it was a success, and we have the pictures to prove it.

as for the baggie.
i have, my entire life, been able to call myself a marijuana virgin. i tried twice previously to no successful outcome. however, steve was adament about smoking enough to make it work. two packed pipes later, my body started twitching and i figured he succeeded. so yes, sarah became roadie master while stevie and i sat in the back twitching and talking about odd things. i realized where the expression "are you high" came from, and thought it was the funniest observation ever. we stopped by andy mieler's, where tim told sarah i was shaking. which i was, but it felt more like jerking. i could have done without it. i had to grab a pole and hang on tight. i drove home, and tried extremely hard to understand what was going on. it didn't work out. i got home, had some cereal, and called tim. he proceeded, in an absolutely wasted state, to get angry and decide we need to talk. i heard him yelling. i heard one word repeated over and over. everything else was a blur. he kept telling me to talk, and i would have to explain to him i didn't want to, or that i couldn't. i over focused on things. it was touch and go with pleasure and uncomfortable-ness. it was very odd. i had to ask andrew about it yesterday when he called, b/c i had no idea if i was weird. he said no, i was not weird, so that made me feel a bit better.

so yesterday, ex-boyfriend steve, avid pot smoker, stopped by work to say hello. i told him of my adventures, he told me 'good, now i don't have to quit when i transfer to whitewater! just smoke like 100 more times, you'll be a pro. you'll come around. you'll get it.' so apparently, using my roomate as a hook up, he is going to attempt to convert me to pro smoker, instead of the amateur status i hold now. should be interesting. at least i'm not a marijuana virgin anymore.

as for tim, apparently he refuses to try it himself. i have not met anyone like that in a while; it's refreshing. i don't think he likes the idea of me smoking pot with my ex ex boyfriend, but what can you do. i guess that's a whole other story.

for now i am off to "party" (by party i mean sit around watching golf or something dumb on television until dinner) with some family... wish me luck. it's times such as this that my only child status drops from alright to sucking the big one. boo.

see you on the flip side.

fondue it.

last exam is tomorrow. finally. i'll be done. and finally i can just enjoy break and take it for what it is.... a time to do nothing, really. except work, i guess, occasionally. for now i am looking at 116 online flashcards and wanting to kill myself. boo this.

so tomorrow i will proceed to take advantage of finishing my third semester of school by perhaps heading over to mayfair to christmas shop with my mom, then off to the melting pot for sarah's birthday with the entire old school crew. andrew, recently home from madison, becca, recently home from enjoying a much more fulfilled life in SPAIN, tim, back from michigan, stevie, meredith, etc.... surprisingly enough i'm looking forward to it more than i have looked forward to anything in a while. andrew thinks it will be dumb, saying, "you have to like, cook your own food. who wants to do that?" when in reality, i think it will be the greatest way for everyone to be back together again. sitting around a table fondue-ing? what more can one ask for? :)

[happy birthday to my 20 year old amiga sarah.]

oh waukesha...

i have officially been home now for... umm... god, only two days i guess. it feels like a week. i have hardly been home, just using it for a place to sleep, really... and i was reminded again today why. my mom is a nut case.

honestly. everyone knows it. especially when there is stress involved. so apparently they're (my mom and her husband) having some sort of christmas party tonight... which i'm sure they told me at some point, but i have a tendency to block them out. so shoot, i wasn't aware. i wake up today at 11 to vacuuming... which is possibly the worst sound to wake you up for an hour. i get up at 12 to do some laundry, and my mom laughs at me and says, "oh, you think you're going to get to the washing machine?" i walk in and the room is now a storage room for shit. i am told to clean out my bathroom so my mom can make it shine... yells at me that i'm not fast enough when i'm still working on it, and when i finish, and sit down here, she opens the door, and throws a hanger i apparently forgot on the floor next to me. she's crazy. honestly. in the face of cleaning, she is no one to be around. it's terrible. she yells like it's her job. at least our house is pretty when she's done i guess... oooh here she is again, while i'm writing this. ughhhh days like this remind me why there are those 3.2 seconds i'm glad to be at school.

sometimes waukesha just doesn't do it for me. well, most of the time actually. the only positive thing about coming home is that i get to see the friendly faces i tend to miss out on during the year. so yesterday, and the day before for that matter, i was off to brookfield to chill out with tim and pretty much do nothing of the productive sort a) because what is there to do and b) i feel as though i have been productive enough in the past couple weeks. so the day i got back we went to blockbuster and just sat. which was possibly the greatest thing in the world. yesterday, i was a little late in getting my shit together, and our dinner/movie date was ruined by the slippery roads that were the skating rink of waukesha... 30 mph on 94 is very frustrating, let me tell you... so we ended up just going to see spanglish... which was a little more family-fun-latino than i thought it would be, but funny all the same... and going to arby's afterward since everything was closed. it was very obnoxious. and btw, if you have any ideas re: what there is to do in brookfield other than eat, or go to a movie... let me know:) amanda wanted me to say hi to brookfield yesterday... and i was happy to do so... although there wasn't much to say hi to. just a general shout did it. i hate how i can want to come home so badly, but when i get here... it's just... not as exciting. maybe i just think so because i'm one of the first ones home. hopefully when everyone's back.............

so tonight i must find shelter other than here for fear of having to converse with too many adults about my life, that they half-care about, and their life, which i could care less about... "wow you've gotten so old! how's school? glad to be on break? what are you studying? oh that's nice." over and over again... small talk alone makes me want to vomit... there's no point to it and it is just not neccessary. avoid it at all costs is my motto. if i don't know you well enough to have a normal conversation that does not consist of the predictable, stereotypical questions well then you're just not worth it. (of course there are exceptions to this... people that don't ask these questions and instead give me something worthwhile to speak of or are just cool enough not to be idiots) and putting on a happy, smiling face for more than three seconds is NOT my strong suit, let me tell you. or just ask my fellow circuit city employees... who insist on asking if something's wrong all the time. [sigh] but that's another story altogether. so since sarah's plane just got in two minutes ago... perhaps i will work on putting on some normal clothes and heading over there... perhaps.

off i go.

something corporate in a month and two days... i feel the countdown is allowed to start:)

fyi.

i hate school. haaaaate. i think today is the longest i've ever spent on homework all year, fyi. it's terrible. i don't want to do anything anymore, and after tomorrow at 1ish, i'm getting the hell outta here. super news. [sigh]......... i just wish it was over NOWWWW.

boo.

my personal p.s.a. ~ don't over-decorate.

fyi, i have had this tradition with sarah (i think it's officially a tradition... three years makes it so, right?) where we drive through a certain neighborhood and laugh at a life-sized nativity scene. i thought it would be funny to share this with kelly last night after we completeyl ignored school for the night and joined tim to see the movie closer (SUPERB btw).
so after the movie, kelly, tim, and i drove into this neighborhood ( that we decided must have a prerequisite of tacky decorations to live in... one house after the other i tell you). driving around aimlessly, hoping to just come across it, took us to a plethora of badly decorated homes. granted, the "go packers" in green and yellow lights on the side of a house was in perfect bubble letters... but that's just not cute. i can understand the love of the season, but please don't just hang lights for the sake to hang lights. it not only looks tacky, but you get kids like us passing your house and taking pictures on our camera phones b/c of the awe you have put us in.
so anyway, we finally find the nativity scene in front of a ranch-style house, proably making it look even bigger. but i am not joking here folks. the first wise man on the left is only a few inches shorter than me (we know this, of course, by kelly posing for a picture next to it). you see, it doesn't just have baby jesus, mary, and joseph, but also a shepard, a couple sheep, a camel, and all three wise men. damn close to life size. i feel as though this should be illegal. what is so appealing about light-up plastic people in your front lawn? i am not saying you should ignore the real reason for christmas, nor am i making fun of jesus christ... but come on people. get your act together. do you not see how tacky the normal size ones are? let alone a life sized full family of large plastic men. i like lights... preferably white lights... not draping over everything in a lawn, but strategically placed. perhaps a wreath or two... my mom likes garland and red ribbons. what pulls all of these people toward the tackiness of the season? it's funny, but we're not laughing with you. if my family insisted on moving characters in my front window (as a certain house in elm grove prefers), i wouldn't want anyone coming over. [sigh] so you know, let's try changing the world one house at a time. don't over-decorate. it's tacky. and if you over decorate, and disagree, i'd really like to know why you do it. we were pretty close to knocking on doors last night and asking. why do it? is it cute to you? do you think it's funny? do you hope people stop and look? please explain. or, even better, don't over-do it. silly people.

tis the season... of finals.

2 exams down. took american lit and brit lit all in the course of a few hours. surprisingly enough (or not so surprisingly, depending on my level of self-confidence) i did well. i am proud of myself for once. because of these, perhaps i can pull out a couple a's. which would be quite spectacular.

what did amaze me on this day however was the fact that during my last exam, my american lit exam, when most everyone had left, the teacher began whispering to a student. she then paused, looked up at the few people left and said, "i don't know why i'm whispering. there were about 6 people in this class that cheated on the last paper i assigned, and i can't express how imperitave it is to site any source you use, whether it be for an idea or a paragraph. i am very upset about this."
the situation got me thinking. it was our first and last paper in the class. it is over now, and the total of things we handed into her was three. now granted, that's about 1/7 of what most teachers ask for in a class, thus adding more pressure onto grades. but it not only baffles my mind, but pisses the shit out of me that people feel the need to copy or plagarize papers in college. occassionally i suppose we all take a sentence or maybe even an idea every once in a while, but i would assume the intelligent ones at least paraphrase it. the class has no one under the age of about 20 in it, most are english majors, and yet certain people felt the need to copy and paste 3/4 of an online website and claim it as their own. it's complete bullshit in my opinion. complete. it's even more shocking and extremely obnoxious because i know one of these people. i'm sorry, but this is college. it would be appauling to see two people cheat, but six?? that's insane. the saddest part about it was that it was a 2-3 page paper on a poem (of your choice), and all you had to do was explain why it was modernist and include the dramatic situation. the professor told us that every person that cheated followed a pattern, and it was not the pattern that she asked for. fjdkalssl;dfkj honestly. how dumb can someone be? six people, i guess i should say. especially if it's your major?! i just can't even fathom the situation. i feel terrible for these people on one hand, because they're idiots, but on the other hand, you can get fucking expelled for shit like that. and when i sit here and work hard for my a's, or at least work for them, you should be able to do it too. i think our teacher was amazing for letting these people get by with not only NOT failing these students, but also letting them rewrite the paper. i don't know if she's an idiot as well, which is unlikely since she is possibly the best professor i've ever had, or if she's just incredibly forgiving. ahhhhhh. i can't even get over it. maaaaybe i could see it if it was a useless elective... but your fucking MAJOR?! wow. alright enough.
[sigh]
so i have one exam, along with a portfolio for creative writing due in two days, and just one more exam next tuesday. i need this all to be over. now. my throat hurts, i'm tired, i just want to go home and do nothing for a month. get me outta here i tell you.
with that, i'm done.

procrastination is a beautiful thing.

current music: feeling left out ~ would you like something to drink

so exams are coming up and instead of dilligently studying like all my top ten school friends seem to have done or are in the process of doing, i prefer to read. or knit. or play around online. pretty much anything but what i need to get done. i tend to pull through in the end most of the time, but i'm truly beginning to believe that i have a motivation disease. however, procrastination sometimes leads to better times. more random errands get run, more menial tasks get completed. so i have an essay do tomorrow? let me clean my room first. have an exam on three chapters? i'd better start my christmas shopping. finals are coming up? go see oceans 12 with sarah and paige. so you see, i enjoy it. thus here i am again, avoiding the real world and typing out random pieces of information that you will not be interested in. [sigh]
alright so yes i went out with sarah and paige last night... started off at starbucks, where sarah proceeded to inform me as i walked in that she was talking to this boy behind the counter (who used to go to msoe but is taking a break from school or something) about said msoe and the "tools" that go there (the "tools" she was referring to of course, as a single ex boyfriend). i smiled and glanced at the poor kid working behind the counter... curly hair, crooked teeth, about 22 at the oldest.. and couldn't help but turn around and laugh quietly when i heard him say "... yeah but i like, read the newspaper still though to like, keep my mind sharp and stuff." talk about tools at msoe. [sigh] people of the world.
so after a few sips of a beautiful strawberry lemonade something or another we proceed to go see oceans 12. with the beautiful brad pitt. and let me tell you, even if he wasn't so incredibly attractive, it still would have been a pretty fabulous movie. maybe one notch less than the first, which is damn good for a sequel in my personal movie critic opinion. thus, i reccommend it:) so all in all it was a superb night, and it made me itch even more to go home for the next month and just be with everyone again. i'm going crazy here without the comforts of home. and by comforts i mean avoiding people at college and being again with the people that make me happy... oddly enough, all the people from high school. it's hard making friends at school now and then living an hour or more away from them; it sort of deducts them from your friend list you know? so at christmas most of us will pretend that we are still each other's only friends and sit in front of sarah's gigundo screen tv watching movies, reverting back to all the things we used to do, and forgetting our other lives for a month or so. i'm craving it about now.
well off i go back to the reality that is school work and finals, cornfields and confinity, boredom and dorm rooms. you know.

boooooo.

orange county.

title music: something corporate ~ letters to noelle.

i have recently decided that as much as i love the now slightly overrated thursday night drama, it is sometimes hard to watch. you know, it's extremely entertaining and all, but those of us chilling out alone in our rooms or tiny apartments, sadly reliving the past with every kiss, every petty dumb high school relationship they focus on, it's fairly depressing. granted, i could watch seth cohen every night of the week just as much as the next girl, but to be quite honest, tonight's episode brought out something that made me want to bite my nails and throw something at the television, and if i wasn't so addicted to the useless plotlines, i would have changed the station. alas, the devoted fan i am watched it eyes wide open attempting to ignore the fact that i really do miss a stupid relationship. and for some reason the unrealistic o.c. brought me to this terrible realization that i was doing okay for a while, truly... even sort of enjoying the randomness of singledom [although concensus has it that i haven't been fully "available" in months]... but there's just something about watching actors that appear so... happy, that gets to me. anyone who is recently single could tell you that after a break up or something it seems as though the only people surrounding you are couples. couples kissing couples holding hands couples laughing couples passing you everrrryyyywhere... and perhaps i'm falling back into that. i don't know. i'm a loser, i know this. but as i've noted prior, i've accepted it. it's not as if i need someone next to me constantly... it's just nice to have the stability of someone who is technically supposed to be obligated to be there for you in a way that they both accept and enjoy doing. you know. someone to tuck you in? or even just to randomly want to see you, or kiss you, or just have that connection. it seems as though when you're young, you feel as though these random connections will happen often enough, or frequently enough, that it's alright to sort of overlook the short time you have with people that have the ability to connect with you in such a way that most people don't, doesn't it a little? when the reality is, whereever you are now in your life could be the only true connections you have with someone, or have had with anyone. so yes, that's the most recent observation of my life.

i have just finished up a 2 hour conversation with brett and jason about cynicism and relationships, cynicism in relationships, people who need therapy and people that always need to make you, as well as everyone else on the planet, happy. we talked about wanting people to want you when you don't even care about them, and the people that feed off it... andfor all our useless analyzing i have concluded that for as many people that come and go in your life... the people that will always have your back... the people that will always be there to wipe your tears or tell you it's all good... are the most important... the ones to focus your energy on. boyfriends and girlfriends... all fleeting i suppose. friends... the great ones... those are the reasons to be content with life. those are the things to talk about, to brag about, to love... and that's where you'll find your consistency in life. and man, if i ever ask for anything in life, it's consistency. as cynical as i am, and as bitter as i am about so many things and so many moments, i know it will be okay b/c of the kids that i have kept close. well, more accurately, the ones that have kept me close. i have been lucky enough to have kept a couple of my old boyfriends as really good friends in my life.. people that i know will be there for me whenever i ask, and i am told that that is not only odd, but lucky... and i am really thankful i am able to do it and to blur the fucking line. thus i guess there i'll leave you with my random thoughts. i'm super tired. sorry i'm such a halmark dork. i'll do better next time i promise:)

finito.

end credit music: jimmy eat world ~ the world you love.

i am officially a dork

so i have decided to pretend that people care about my extremely uninteresting life and put myself offically on the "web." now... why i would do this, i am not entirely sure. most likely because i just finished a book today ((a million little pieces ~ james frey... my new favorite... i highly highly recommend it... it is the most interesting and fabulously written books i've ever read)), consequently allowing me a bit more undeserved free time at my computer... that, and the fact that this site is sort of pretty:) so yes, i am officially a dork. many of you have known this already, but i feel as though this internet thing clinches it. i accept and embrace my title, and perhaps you do as well if you are looking at this right now. i am not sure if i will forget about this in a day... maybe it will take me away from putzing with my aim profile literally every five minutes and instead focus my attention on this every ten... maybe not. we shall see, i suppose. for now, however. i think i am going to end this here and write more in a few hours... or minutes. however long it take for me to become bored again or have something more interesting to say.