merry christmas... eve.

can i just ask who enjoys christmas?

as a 19 year old college student, things obviously aren't the same as they were when i was eight, or another random young age when christmas was the greatest holiday in the world. as an only child, the holiday used to be built up because not only did i receive pretty much most anything i asked for, but i was able to be surrounded by family. all extended family would gather around and we'd do dumb things like play board games. but it quelled my lonliness for a while when i was young. now, it just seems like a hastle. cousins are grown up, married, and too lazy to visit; families moved even farther away; it got stupid. i started to buy my own christmas presents, or go with my mom to pick them all out. i still generally get what i would like, but it's just not the same. there's no spirit left in the holiday. it just seem like a waste of time. a hectic time.

what is the purpose for me to have one meal a year with family i barely even know, and talk about completely useless things and put up with an obnoxious seven year old that no one wants to deal with? it just isn't the same. maybe when you grow up and, sorry to spoil it for some of you, there's no santa, it's just ruined kind of. i didn't even have time to wrap presents this year, and i didn't even shop for most of my friends. it just feels so different this year. like it doesn't matter, as if it's just another day. however, jesus was still born, and it will continue to be his birthday tomorrow whether or not it feels like christmas to me. so sorry about that one, Big Guy. (even though i'm extremely non-practicing, i still feel the need to acknowledge the fact that i do realize the true meaning of christmas.)

this year, the kicker is the fact that although i usually split the holiday between the two parents, my mom getting christmas eve and my dad getting christmas day, this year i seem to be in even more limbo than i usually am. we are stopping our 10pm mass tradition that we have always followed through on for as long as i can remember, and substituted it for a 10am christmas day mass. one that i am not able to go to because of my prior engagement at my dad's. my mom doesn't want me, nor is letting me skip christmas mass for the first time in my life, so i have the extreme pleasure of going to 10pm mass by myself tonight. awesome. how depressing, seriously, to sit in church, surrounded by families, by yourself, because your entire family is going the next day and you can't go. tis the season i suppose. and i mean, i wouldn't even go really if it was up to me. as jason would say, "don't shit on my religion," and i don't usually. i just don't feel the need to hypocritically go to mass on three major holidays and never any other times. so awesome. i'm super excited about it.

[sigh]

side note: while working at circuit city yesterday, a mom left a simple spiral notebook on the counter. naturally curious and extremely nosy, i open it an hour or two later, when it was clear this person wasn't going to run back in and question what i was doing. it was a little boy's handwriting, the top titled "My Christmas List - Mom". the following four pages were items 1 through 84 or so, the numbers continuing to 100, as if he couldn't quite make it. with each page i turned, i was more and more shocked. i couldn't believe this little boy could think of 84 things that he wanted for christmas. granted, they were all dvd's or ps2/nintendo/whatever other system games, with some "big pool table"-type things inserted between, but man. i miss those days. when i knew exactly what i wanted to play with. when i could go through the jc penney toy catalog and just circle things on every other page. but man. it was pretty intense, let me tell you. good for that kid. i hope he got half of the things he asked for.

with that, i hope your christmas is spectacular... and that santa brings you all that you wanted and more.

:)