orange county.

title music: something corporate ~ letters to noelle.

i have recently decided that as much as i love the now slightly overrated thursday night drama, it is sometimes hard to watch. you know, it's extremely entertaining and all, but those of us chilling out alone in our rooms or tiny apartments, sadly reliving the past with every kiss, every petty dumb high school relationship they focus on, it's fairly depressing. granted, i could watch seth cohen every night of the week just as much as the next girl, but to be quite honest, tonight's episode brought out something that made me want to bite my nails and throw something at the television, and if i wasn't so addicted to the useless plotlines, i would have changed the station. alas, the devoted fan i am watched it eyes wide open attempting to ignore the fact that i really do miss a stupid relationship. and for some reason the unrealistic o.c. brought me to this terrible realization that i was doing okay for a while, truly... even sort of enjoying the randomness of singledom [although concensus has it that i haven't been fully "available" in months]... but there's just something about watching actors that appear so... happy, that gets to me. anyone who is recently single could tell you that after a break up or something it seems as though the only people surrounding you are couples. couples kissing couples holding hands couples laughing couples passing you everrrryyyywhere... and perhaps i'm falling back into that. i don't know. i'm a loser, i know this. but as i've noted prior, i've accepted it. it's not as if i need someone next to me constantly... it's just nice to have the stability of someone who is technically supposed to be obligated to be there for you in a way that they both accept and enjoy doing. you know. someone to tuck you in? or even just to randomly want to see you, or kiss you, or just have that connection. it seems as though when you're young, you feel as though these random connections will happen often enough, or frequently enough, that it's alright to sort of overlook the short time you have with people that have the ability to connect with you in such a way that most people don't, doesn't it a little? when the reality is, whereever you are now in your life could be the only true connections you have with someone, or have had with anyone. so yes, that's the most recent observation of my life.

i have just finished up a 2 hour conversation with brett and jason about cynicism and relationships, cynicism in relationships, people who need therapy and people that always need to make you, as well as everyone else on the planet, happy. we talked about wanting people to want you when you don't even care about them, and the people that feed off it... andfor all our useless analyzing i have concluded that for as many people that come and go in your life... the people that will always have your back... the people that will always be there to wipe your tears or tell you it's all good... are the most important... the ones to focus your energy on. boyfriends and girlfriends... all fleeting i suppose. friends... the great ones... those are the reasons to be content with life. those are the things to talk about, to brag about, to love... and that's where you'll find your consistency in life. and man, if i ever ask for anything in life, it's consistency. as cynical as i am, and as bitter as i am about so many things and so many moments, i know it will be okay b/c of the kids that i have kept close. well, more accurately, the ones that have kept me close. i have been lucky enough to have kept a couple of my old boyfriends as really good friends in my life.. people that i know will be there for me whenever i ask, and i am told that that is not only odd, but lucky... and i am really thankful i am able to do it and to blur the fucking line. thus i guess there i'll leave you with my random thoughts. i'm super tired. sorry i'm such a halmark dork. i'll do better next time i promise:)

finito.

end credit music: jimmy eat world ~ the world you love.