what a fairy tale.

[random tangent time.] so i watched peter pan last night. not the cartoon, but the one that came out last year sometime with the real people. you know. either way, the gist of the story is the same. this fairy tale proved at least three of my personal philosophies:

1. most girls are catty bitches. look at tinkerbell. all wendy wanted to do was chill out with peter for a little while. she's 12, but she thinks she loves him. whatever, her choice. tinkerbell over there, however, is all about love for peter as well. so how does tinkerbell solve this inner dilemma? well, first she ruins peter and wendy's first kiss by pulling them apart [and in the movie she does this by slamming wendy's head against a bedpost, by the way.]. then, in neverland, she tells the lost boys that peter wants them to shoot her down while she's flying through the air! "shoot the wendy bird"!? bitch. tinkerbell's love for peter, although apparent, is unaffective. she needs to just sit in her corner and cry for her unrequited love. instead, being the girl she is, flips out and does most anything in her power to screw wendy, choosing to kill her rather than accept the situation and find a new man.

2. girls prefer the company of boys to fellow girls. the lost boys? c'mon. wendy wants nothing to do with that silly nymph tinkerbell. wisely, she chooses the company of the boys. granted, she's like their mother and reads them stories, but what girls don't act like mothers sometimes around their irresponsible guy friends?

3. girls are more attracted to the cocky assholes most of the time. although wendy is proper and considered an english "lady," instead of going for a gentleman, she runs away to be with peter. peter over there thinks everything is about him. he doesn't care what is best for wendy, he just knows she should be with him. "come to neverland. screw your family." one of the first conversations they have is when wendy decides to sew peter's shadow back on for him. peter responds with "oh the cleverness of me." what?! okay. peter's arrogance almost kills him in a fight with captain hook as well. thinking you're that much better than someone else is not a smart sword fighting technique. finally, wendy tells him about love, and he tells her the sound of it offends him. playing harder to get, wendy still follows him around, wanting to spend the few moments she has in neverland with this kid. [sigh.]

4. females are smarter. let's face it, in the end, wendy understands that they need to go home and grow up. the boys yell and shout and don't agree. she has to coax the boys, since she can't rely on any of them. as often as the boys argue, they agree with her in the end and go home to grow up and be with their family.

there's something to this peter pan tale i think.

hip-hip hooray for better-than-below-average nights.

i haven't written in a while... my apologies, i've been preoccupied with life for a bit i think. although things aren't neccessarily improving mountains at a time, yesterday was a good step.

kelly and i went on a date to culver's, talking about girlie things and giggling like 8th graders. i needed it.

after stuffing my face as though it was the only thing in the world i was good at i headed over to steve's with brett, sean, and jason where half of them drank a few beers, had some pizza, and we sat down to watch "The Beach" with leonardo dicaprio. even though they're so distracting most of the time, i laughed more than not, and i think it's true what they say - laughter is the best medicine. surround yourself with people who make you smile and i think you're set in life. as for the ones that make you smile that leave you, or you drift from, well, i'm still trying to figure that part out.

overall, it was a fairly entertaining night, which i can't say i've had in a while.

tonight, although i don't hold expectations of the same, i'm hoping it's at least semi-comparable.

i hope everything is well with you. smile, be happy. everything's all right in the end... if it's not all right, it's not the end.

etc. etc.

bring it on.

apparently life has not decided to throw me a bone in a while. not a bone, not a stick, not even one of those really cute rubber toys in the shape of a newspaper. so, i have just recently decided to respond to life with a simple "screw you." i never really liked it anyway. i don't remember the last time i was truly happy for more than a week at a time. i just want to go to sleep and wake up in a few years. when i'm older and none of this will matter anymore. when all of my friends have drifted away at their respective universities to become hotshot doctors, lawyers, or whatever else they are striving to achieve, and we struggle to remember the names of the annoying people we thought we'd never forget.

none of this will matter in a few years.

f' you, life. here is my middle finger. sincerely, with the deepest and purest emotions one could have, i offer it up to you. i hope you see it.

because you know what, i'm sick of everything and everyone. find me a padded cell with a bathroom, or a quiet tribe in zimbabwe; i'll be the first to sign up. i laugh at my over-dramatic-ness but sometimes it's just so appropriate, don't you agree?

why can't we all just get along? apparently it's impossible. i create my own drama is the word on the street. i'm complicated. sorry to say that's the way god made me, so i guess we're all screwed. well, it's either god, or my childhood living with my mom. either way.

who wants everything and nothing at the same time? [...i want what's yours and i, want what's mine, i want you, but i'm not giving in this time... sorry... michelle branch digression for a second...] so i know i'm a bitch at some points in my life, and i know i'm sometimes the stereotype of a selfish only child. well, then let's vote that someone in the world makes lauren snap out of it. i vote someone makes me pull my head out of my ass [insert a plethora of f-words in there... i think i get in trouble if i post them...] and then i agree and i shape up. i'm not normal. i'm sincerely f'ed up to be honest with you. [side note disclaimer~~ i know i haven't had it badly at all, for those of you who were in an orphanage or were raped or you had to live in the basement with chickens b/c your parents didn't love you... i know i have it good compared to most. but sometimes, i just need to flip out. you know? fyi.] however. i do not think i deserve assumptions. don't make assumptions about what i want to do with my life and i won't do it back. don't assume i want to just f'ing... well... f' someone just because. that's dumb. 'give me just one inch or two, i swear that's all i need.'

i am currently removing myself from civilization... sort of... and reading a book quietly at my house in waukesha. i didn't go to school today. i don't want to go tomorrow.

harumph.

whoever invented moshing does NOT deserve a raise.

i'm pretty sure, in fact, that they should be wiped off the planet. this may sound a little extreme, but when there are 500 people surrounding me, i'm sorry, i don't want to fear for my safety. when there are three opening bands at a concert, and you can't help but take out your agression and teenage angst by flailing your limbs about and slinging yourself into others like a pinball during the very first one... you need to leave. i questioned whether or not i was too old to be at a concert last night, seeing as how during the first three minutes of the first opening band i couldn't breathe and thought i'd punch the next person in the face and / or balls if they started to fling themselves at other people. why, oh why, do five people feel the need to start these things? unacceptable. is it so terrible to just stand in your small square of space, jammed up next to four other people, and dance? just dance! or jump. something other than shoving. leave me alone, i don't want to throw my arms all around and see how many people i can hit during a slow song.

luckily, by the time something corporate came on, all was well and people were chill, and by the time i got outta there it still felt like i had bathed in everyone else's sweat. yuck.

verdict, in the words of teri: *The Academy Is...= HOTTER than expected, Hidden In Plain View= lukewarm, Straylight Run= SUPER HOT, Something Corporate= couldn't-even-handle-it over-the-top HOT*

it really was a great concert. fabulous. once everyone calmed down and realized they didn't need to hit each other to ENJOY THE MUSIC, it was fantastic. for all you so co fans out there, the best song they played was "if you c jordan"... the lead singer forgot the first few lines, but eventually stood on the keys of the piano to just pound on them at the end. the audience was so into it. teri and i got a little scared that they wouldn't play "fall" or "hurricane"... our two faves, but luckily they closed the show with them, making it all worthwhile. i honestly can't say enough about it. however, i'll stop here so as not to bore you.

if you get the chance, next time they're in town... check them out:)

amanda, you missed an exceptional concert... but i forgive you.

boys are dumb.

so i know i have slightly more guy friends than girls. i am aware. however, contrary to popular belief, i am beginning to consider the fact that most of them are just as dramatic as any potential girls i could be friends with, if not sometimes worse.

i think the only difference is that boys [sometimes] put themselves in their own dramatic situations. bring it upon themselves, knowing full well what could happen, but doing so in a dumb, unoriginal way... where as girls are at least less obvious. granted, i know girls are vindictive and catty and all those obnoxious things, but i think they're smarter about it.

boys need to pull their heads out of their asses. asap.

i think guys want it all. as andrew has reminded me so many times before, "the grass is always greener on the other side." as cliche as it is, it couldn't be more true.

i know this isn't the case for everyone, but i still consider a good majority of the male population part of it.

i suppose everyone needs to shape up.

i hate cold weather.

1. the rush of wind after opening a door to outside makes my eyes water.

2. i step out of the door and i cough because the cold makes it hard to breathe.

3. it's not flattering. 8 steps off of the entranceway my face is flush (and not a cute flush. a blotchy, unattractive flush). my eyes start to water. my nose starts to run.

4. halfway to class, i can't feel my legs. or my face.

5. i have to look at people that deem it neccessary to wear fall coats with no hat or gloves, while i'm bundled up, passing them on the sidewalk, shivering like it's my job, despite my forty two and a half layers... assuming they must be machines, not people.

6. i wear carmex. you most likely know that if i go 10 minutes without putting it on, i go crazy. with the slightest breeze, my hair glues itself to my semi-freezing carmex on my mouth when i leave. with mittens on, it's more difficult to move the hair. thus i end up pissed off and impatient and if i run into someone i know, they insist on telling me i have hair on my mouth. thanks ass.

7. i end up just wanting to sleep.

first days make me want to cry.

soooo... i thoroughly already hate school. and i'm not even done with my first day. this semester, i have a sneaking suspicion, is going to be a bad one. ugh.

i've had speech, where i've decided, this first day, that i'm going to kill myself in. also thrown in was lit for adolescents, where i wouldn't doubt if the teacher was on not only crack cocaine, but marijuana as well. crazy i tell you. in this class, there are not one, not two, but five adult students, well over the age of 45. and a couple people who are engaged, and at least 28 years old thrown in on the side as well. i have never had a class so heavily populated with them. usually it's just one or two random talkative obnoxious 30-somethings, who insist on not only interrupting the teacher, but also speaking in a condescending tone that makes me cringe. today, the first day of school this semester, i'm pretty sure all of them wanted to take over class. strength in numbers, perhaps? either way, they just added to an already annoying class-filled day. they need their own school. being as hung over as i was made them forty times worse i think. i wanted to shout and throw things at them if i didn't think moving would have made me vomit.

at least i had drinks last night. and a good half pack of cigarettes. i think without them i wouldn't've made it. it's a shame i slept on only my mattress pad last night. i got back at like 4 in the morning and hadn't unpacked any of my shit, including my sheets and such. that was awesome. oh well. at least i got in those four hours of sleep.

i went to steve's, which was nice. it was good to get the hell out of this jail cell known as my dorm room. and i don't think i've ever had just beer and gotten that drunk. after a while, it was like really good slightly-flavored water. besides, when harry met sally was on the oxygen channel. you can't go wrong.

off i go again to a CLASS. otherwise known as multi-cultural literature. sounds awesome, huh?

off i go... once again.

after being told at work today that my blogs were far too long to be interesting, i have decided to make this one as short as i possibly can. although i'm not going to lie, it's hard for me. so here i go without my random babbles. or not. we shall see.

side note ~ my quote from the last entry, contrary to popular belief, is not from a movie, but instead part of silly conversations with andrew. he believes my life is complicated, so the question arose. i answered as truthfully as i could.

~apparently i use too many big words in my blog. i haven't noticed any yet, but for that i apologize to ryan, and i expect a list of said "big words" soon.

~i hate customers. and stupid people in general. if you wanted to see the state's impatient, non-listening, self-involved, idiot population, you should have stopped by circuit city on this lovely martin luther king jr day. you would also have been priviledged enough to see me get yelled at by a fellow employee. i'm sorry, you're like 80 years old and working at circuit city. you're not even a manager. shut up and don't talk to me. and if you do insist on talking to me, or not listening to me when i politely ask you to move, do not tell me you are "annoyed with me" and proceed to tell me why while it's busy and what you're bitching about happened three hours ago. thanks.

~i'm going back to school tonight for the next four days, then coming home again. it should be pretty exciting. among my eventful classes this semester that i am looking forward to (insert both drumroll and sarcasm here): literature for adolescents, which i had to buy 8 paperbacks for, but all are fifth grade to high school level, so it should be alright, multicultural lit, critical writing, intro to language studies, and speech. vomitrocious with the exception of the first two.

~from here on out, i will be spending the majority of my time in whitewater, wisconsin. if you'd like to find me, take hwy 59. when you smell the cows and see absolutely nothing around you but corn and fields, you've arrived.

[this is the shortest i could come up with. wish me better luck next time.]

welcome back me.

late nights.

"if you went back a year today, what would you tell yourself?"
"good luck."

todem poles.

'what do you say to someone you love that says, 'yeah man, we had a really great time or talk or whatever'? 'awesome tell me all the details'? no. it's not fun or easy but you keep your head up and be happy for them. because that's what you're there for. to be happy for them, to make them happy and listen to their happiness. and without that... well, they'd be scared to tell you the things that made them smile. and who wants that? so you just understand that you're not that person, and trust that they're with you for a reason. and don't say you're not smart enough or good enough, or just not as much as someone else, because you're just a different person. you do different things, handle situations differently. you are who you are, and you've gotta trust they love you for it.'

influence, better choices, and fate. throw in some relationships on the side.

prolouge: a night out with andrew. as we were driving (randomly) through milwaukee, i asked: "do you believe everyone meets each other at the right time?" he responded with a quicker than asked for "no." i then proceeded to ask, "do you believe in destiny?" he answered "yes."
"well, how can you believe that people can meet each other at the wrong time but also believe it was marked by fate?"
"people are destined to meet each other at that wrong time. [slight pause]... but then i guess it wouldn't be the wrong time, since it's fate. so maybe i just disproved my entire theory."

fate. destiny. serendipity. included in a belief system that, although i occasionally believe in, also happen to consider a cop-out at the same time. in a world built on fate, we don't have to worry about anything. things happen that are supposed to happen; i am here because i am meant to be here. as a frequent thinker of these thoughts, i am beginning to doubt them. what if i, lauren elizabeth, am not really meant to be where i am right now, but instead, somewhere else doing something more exciting. or more meaningful. or meaningless. but, for some reason or another, i have made the wrong decisions, leaving me here - in a life full of cycles and circles and endless conversations with the same people, leaving us all out of breath and exhausted.

in these cycles, churning around this idea we call fate, there are choices to be made. and whether or not you believe that your choice is what you were meant to choose or not, it is still there. hanging above you. choose choose choose. everywhere in life. choices. now, i consider myself a fairly free thinker, fairly independent. however, in a recent conversation with sarah, the words "i know the better choice" came out of my mouth. she responded with "don't even talk to me about fucking better choices. look where i am. i've always known the 'better choice', i just choose differently." for that i applauded her inside. 'good for you,' i say to myself. you make your choices and understand them.

in these choices, surrouding a decision, there are influences to be considered. although we all like to think (at least i hope) that they are making a choice for themselves and not for the pleasure of others... the reality is, everyone, everything, every place we go, all surround us with influences. i never really realized it until tonight that everything someone says to me, every relationship i see played out in front of me in person, on tv, or in books, i unconsciously stuff away into a tiny part of my brain reserved for choices. when one has to be made, the file is pulled out and opened. when i go to someone for advice, when people talk to me about my life even when i don't ask for it, i tuck away their opinions as if they mattered. then, when my choice is made, i end up feeling guilty about it. harumph.

i have begun to realize, slowly but surely, that i need to trust not only my decisions and my choices made, but also those of the ones around me. but that's another story altogether i suppose.

what a downer lately.

here's to clarity. through hershey bars with almonds.

peanuts, walnuts, cashews, almonds, pecans... why, oh why, do they insist on constantly sneaking up on me in perfectly good foods?

inserted right inside a perfectly good muffin, brownie, or candy bar, there they lie. waiting patiently for me to take a bite. waiting for the look of disappointment to wash over my face as i hit something crunchy in the midst of my something soft and/or sweet.

these silly things are perfectly fine by themselves... why do they insist on taking over the things that are just fine without them. selfish, i tell you.

many people enjoy the crunchiness of nuts inserted into their plethora of foods. i, on the other hand, do not. i do not deem it neccessary to ruin a perfectly good, plain-looking muffin [that of which i just tried in my kitchen three minutes ago], with unidentifiable, presumably pecan-ish things in the middle. unacceptable. they should at least be labled. alas. there they laid (lied? i call myself an english major. to my dismay, neither of these seem correct. perhaps i should stick with 'there they were'. too late now, i suppose.), no label. just four lonely muffins, slightly glazed on top, one cut in half. still, even cut in half, looking innocent enough to rip some off and taste. to my horror, something crunchy dispersed iniside my mouth, contrasting the sweet and soft. ruined, i tell you.

you know, now that i think about it, i enjoy hershey bars with almonds. but those are clearly labeled. 'buy this', the advertisements say, 'three hershey bars with almonds for only two seventy five'. the tag on the shelf they lay on in the store, the wrapper itself. clearly labeled for my behalf. unidentifiable nut-crossings are avoided.

unlike those muffins in my kitchen downstairs. unlabeled. in a clear plastic container that took me all of three seconds to open and smell. or restaurant brownies. topped in nuts, but not in the menu picture. or those damned chocolates in the valentine's day boxes; always unclear, always unsafe. maybe i don't want those nuts. maybe i want only the caramel. they don't know.

labels are keys to success in this world. but that's another story.

maybe i'm just sleepy.

slash weird.

mmm. lyrics.

if you know me, you know i live for other people's words. specifically, song lyrics. poetry is still alive, i tell you! i am officially stealing from amanda, and posting some.

apparently we all should go listen to eyedea.

just let me breathe
while I wear a game face
in 10 years don't check for me
i'll be in the same place
this planet is just an overpopulated mental hospital
each zombie walks around, constitutes another obstacle
so here it is, I'm finally coming out my shell

all 19 years of my life have been in conflict with myself

i'm insecure by every facet of my existence
from my addictions, to the conditions I choose to live in
who you kidding? i suffer from excess anxiety
a product of pollution in American society
stare into my eyes and see the hell that burns inside my mind
and I no longer have an ego I can hide behind
but I've been trying disregarding my insanity
every form of hurt isolates me from humanity
but it's provoked against being force fed
so fuck education for a decade and 3 years
of headaches from my peers
cuz now I realize I could have learned more on my own
they taught me how to know everything except my soul
which is everything I need to grow
everything that keeps me whole

[sigh.]

lost, etc.

i got to thinking yesterday about the past. yes, the past. in general. it seems to me, that although some things just drift away... fly off with the wind never to be remembered again... others simply stay glued to your head. haunt as if it was their only job. as if i had the time or effort to sit and think about things that seem to me as though from a different lifetime. why do we pick and choose which things stay with us til the end, and simply block out others?

i figure, most things that happen to us matter, right? one thing, event, or person leads to another thing, event, or person, and thus we end up where we are, only after this chain of events, culminating, forms what we call our life. i don't understand why it is possible to forget completely, and at the same time remember in technicolor.

i don't know. maybe i'm just going through a funk of some sort. things start building up in my head; i over-analyze.

"the past is past" was a featured quote in a movie i just watched. i thought about it, as per usual, and came to the conclusion that this is simply not true. maybe i've just never thought about it before, but everything matters. the past shapes who we are, doesn't it? thus, we should treat it with some respect. 7/8 of the friends i have right now, at this moment, are from high school, some from grade school. i have kept that past alive and well, each of us changing but always having that past to relate to when we get together. we talk about high school, we talk about things we did, we don't usually bring up the present. it's hard to relate to each other that way anymore, because of all of the experiences each had without the other.

it's almost uncomfortable.

when you knew someone from the past, then separate for some reason or another - don't talk for a significant period of time - do you still know that person? i mean, you knew their past, you can tell them their favorite color, or how they like thier meat cooked, or their routine before they go to bed... the little things that outsiders don't necessarily know, or can't tell just by looking... but because you missed out on that chunk of life, you don't know them. you know their past, but you can't tell their future, and it's hard to know the present. it's as if you look at two different people when you see them. in some aspects, you see yourself, you open the flood gates of the past. in others, you don't recognize them. how do you re-draw the line of consistency? is it possible?

isn't it hard to know someone's past, then re-build the present together? i feel there is a different line to draw after that.

harumph. i'm sick of thinking. i'm sick of here, i'm sick of school, i'm sick of everything, everyone. i feel like i want to go home, even though i'm at my house. isn't that dumb.

[sigh.]

at a loss.

i have gotten complaints for not keeping up with this lately. the reality is, i just have nothing of interest to say lately. although flattery will get you everywhere with me (just kidding. sort of. :) i have just had trouble finding the fake inspiration of my life that used to be so abundant for you all. so here i am, forcing myself to find something to talk about, and failing miserably. but hey, at least it may quell both my and your boredom for a few minutes.

i think the fact that i have been doing the same things, going through the same routine, hanging out with the same people, may have something to do with my lack of entry here. if i think my life is boring, i feel as though no one else will find entertainment in it either. it's actually depressing to look at the list of movies in the theatres and realize i've seen all of them. well, a good 3/4 of them at least. three movies in three days is a record for me i think. 6 in a couple weeks makes me ill. i need something to do. i need to switch up the routine, track down long lost high school friends or something. ughh. i went to see 'life aquatic' yesterday with paul john and tim followed by finger lickin' good arby's, followed by "stupid movie night" at paul's.

i called my mom to tell her where i was going and she said, "lauren, you don't have to be one of the guys. you can come home." which sort of got me thinking. now, i know i have way too many guy friends than girls (never more apparent when looking for an apartment and realizing i had to get one by myself b/c of the lack of girls i knew at school... that was a really fun day.) and sometimes i wonder if it's just wrong. don't get me wrong, all of the guys i consider friends are some of the greatest people on earth ~ people that would watch out for me or have my back or dry my tears if there was something wrong, and i love that about them ~ but i just wonder if it's healthy. as a girl, i know that although boys are easier to be around and relate to, they are occasionally absent minded and unreliable, always aware of who is the guy and who is the girl. i'm starting to get a little scared. i worry sometimes that a) i'm beginning to be considered "one of the guys" a little too much, or b) one day i'm going to wake up and realize i have no girls to relate to anymore.

granted, i still have the girls from high school to be with and who will always be my sisters, but at school... there's one. and she's trasferring at the end of the year. that's ultra scary. ah well. i guess i'll work on it later. or something.

i talked to nizz today, which was a relief and a half, because we finally set the date night... the 11th. i haven't seen her since summer, even though madison is only a half hour or so from whitewater, and it's just been so hard to pin down a date with my sister. being the only child that i am, it's good to keep in touch with my true 'family'. you know.

alright. off i go to pick up some film from walgreens. maybe i'll even write again.

smile. tomorrow's a new day. :)