influence, better choices, and fate. throw in some relationships on the side.

prolouge: a night out with andrew. as we were driving (randomly) through milwaukee, i asked: "do you believe everyone meets each other at the right time?" he responded with a quicker than asked for "no." i then proceeded to ask, "do you believe in destiny?" he answered "yes."
"well, how can you believe that people can meet each other at the wrong time but also believe it was marked by fate?"
"people are destined to meet each other at that wrong time. [slight pause]... but then i guess it wouldn't be the wrong time, since it's fate. so maybe i just disproved my entire theory."

fate. destiny. serendipity. included in a belief system that, although i occasionally believe in, also happen to consider a cop-out at the same time. in a world built on fate, we don't have to worry about anything. things happen that are supposed to happen; i am here because i am meant to be here. as a frequent thinker of these thoughts, i am beginning to doubt them. what if i, lauren elizabeth, am not really meant to be where i am right now, but instead, somewhere else doing something more exciting. or more meaningful. or meaningless. but, for some reason or another, i have made the wrong decisions, leaving me here - in a life full of cycles and circles and endless conversations with the same people, leaving us all out of breath and exhausted.

in these cycles, churning around this idea we call fate, there are choices to be made. and whether or not you believe that your choice is what you were meant to choose or not, it is still there. hanging above you. choose choose choose. everywhere in life. choices. now, i consider myself a fairly free thinker, fairly independent. however, in a recent conversation with sarah, the words "i know the better choice" came out of my mouth. she responded with "don't even talk to me about fucking better choices. look where i am. i've always known the 'better choice', i just choose differently." for that i applauded her inside. 'good for you,' i say to myself. you make your choices and understand them.

in these choices, surrouding a decision, there are influences to be considered. although we all like to think (at least i hope) that they are making a choice for themselves and not for the pleasure of others... the reality is, everyone, everything, every place we go, all surround us with influences. i never really realized it until tonight that everything someone says to me, every relationship i see played out in front of me in person, on tv, or in books, i unconsciously stuff away into a tiny part of my brain reserved for choices. when one has to be made, the file is pulled out and opened. when i go to someone for advice, when people talk to me about my life even when i don't ask for it, i tuck away their opinions as if they mattered. then, when my choice is made, i end up feeling guilty about it. harumph.

i have begun to realize, slowly but surely, that i need to trust not only my decisions and my choices made, but also those of the ones around me. but that's another story altogether i suppose.

what a downer lately.