lost, etc.

i got to thinking yesterday about the past. yes, the past. in general. it seems to me, that although some things just drift away... fly off with the wind never to be remembered again... others simply stay glued to your head. haunt as if it was their only job. as if i had the time or effort to sit and think about things that seem to me as though from a different lifetime. why do we pick and choose which things stay with us til the end, and simply block out others?

i figure, most things that happen to us matter, right? one thing, event, or person leads to another thing, event, or person, and thus we end up where we are, only after this chain of events, culminating, forms what we call our life. i don't understand why it is possible to forget completely, and at the same time remember in technicolor.

i don't know. maybe i'm just going through a funk of some sort. things start building up in my head; i over-analyze.

"the past is past" was a featured quote in a movie i just watched. i thought about it, as per usual, and came to the conclusion that this is simply not true. maybe i've just never thought about it before, but everything matters. the past shapes who we are, doesn't it? thus, we should treat it with some respect. 7/8 of the friends i have right now, at this moment, are from high school, some from grade school. i have kept that past alive and well, each of us changing but always having that past to relate to when we get together. we talk about high school, we talk about things we did, we don't usually bring up the present. it's hard to relate to each other that way anymore, because of all of the experiences each had without the other.

it's almost uncomfortable.

when you knew someone from the past, then separate for some reason or another - don't talk for a significant period of time - do you still know that person? i mean, you knew their past, you can tell them their favorite color, or how they like thier meat cooked, or their routine before they go to bed... the little things that outsiders don't necessarily know, or can't tell just by looking... but because you missed out on that chunk of life, you don't know them. you know their past, but you can't tell their future, and it's hard to know the present. it's as if you look at two different people when you see them. in some aspects, you see yourself, you open the flood gates of the past. in others, you don't recognize them. how do you re-draw the line of consistency? is it possible?

isn't it hard to know someone's past, then re-build the present together? i feel there is a different line to draw after that.

harumph. i'm sick of thinking. i'm sick of here, i'm sick of school, i'm sick of everything, everyone. i feel like i want to go home, even though i'm at my house. isn't that dumb.

[sigh.]