original cynicism.

i don't think i know more than maybe one person who actually believes in the concept of love wholeheartedly, who isn't jaded or cynical or just believes that someone could be sincere. i asked sarah about a boy i couldn't figure out, and her automatic response was, "you're the one on the side. he's leading you on; keeping your interest just enough. either make up a boyfriend or stop talking to him." is that what most people would say? is everyone just so... pessimistic... that noone has a chance? that's insane. and sad. do bad experiences form the negativity? i guess that makes sense... but i don't feel as though it should completely ruin the hope of something good ever happening again.

to be 20 years old [next friday...;)] and think your life has been so terrible that you can't believe in anything or anyone anymore?

it's the safe way to go. speaking from personal experience, it's much easier to stick with the "expect to be disappointed and you won't be" life philosophy. besides, if you believe in something so much, someone so much, and it falls through [as it usually does], you look like an idiot for believing in it, as well as feel the pain from the disappointment. it's hard to put yourself out there, to attempt to give yourself to something that you're not sure of. isn't it? if you disagree you've never had your heart broken... sincerely broken... i think.

i don't know. i guess i'm just in shock at the fact that we are 20 years old and already hating the opposite sex, thinking we'll never really be happy, that everyone in the world is fake, and living with a belief that we shouldn't believe in anything. it's crazy. it makes me want to scream.

what happened to baskets of kittens and rainbows?! or real smiley faces, no sarcasm attached? ha, i guess there would be no fun in any of that.

i wish i were 10 again. fourth grade. what a fabulous age. all there was to worry about was whether to get grape or orange soda on hot lunch days, or whether or not the boys would let me play soccer at recess. i don't remember anything i learned in fourth grade. everything was just about... well, nothing. that was the beauty of it all.

yeah. i wanna be ten.