when am i not myself?

let me be frank for a moment. [you can still be garth. ha. get it.]

lately it has been feeling like everything has been falling apart around me. hearts are broken and rebroken everyday, people come and go, and it seems as though every decision i have made may have just been the wrong one. i'm fairly certain that most of the things i decide are flat out incorrect actually.

it's easy for me to fall in love. it's a bad habit of mine, one where i tend to get emotionally attached too quickly and foolishly. it's easier to attach myself than let go.

the hardest part of letting go is the part where you feel like you're left with nothing. when you realize that you were fine before whoever is ailing you, but now you're left with the lonliest feeling of "who am i going to call now?". when you're someone's best friend for an extended period of time, there's that damn feeling when you have to let go where you don't really know what you can do with yourself.

sick parallels showed themselves in the past couple days, me seeing my broken self in someone else as he spit out some of the meanest things anyone has ever said to me. now i consider myself lost. i sat and thought about the choices i have made this past semester, and although everyone around me had warned me and reprimanded me for most of them, i gave them all the finger and did what i thought i wanted.

i think i was wrong.

i look at the things i chose, and hate myself. andrew reversed the situation and blatently stated my past four months of decisions to me last night, telling me to just look at how awful it was. although it made me feel like absolute asshole, he was right. i realized at the time of it all that i probably should go another way with everything, but i still had some weird wrong impression of how things would work out. i think everytime someone told me what they thought i should do, i was even more prone to disagree with them and do the opposite.

i have never been more selfish in my life than in these past few months. when you really think about it though, where do you draw the line from being selfish and just doing what you want in life? b/c there is a definite difference i think. if you always took into account what others wanted, you'd never be able to live your own life. you are supposed to put yourself first, since it is your life. you can't protect everyone from everything. you can't hold someone's hand through life; shit's going to happen anyway. you can handle things differently. i could have handled things differently.

i sort of just want to move away, or sleep for the next four years of my life. someone else can take over for a while. i think i'm just going to opt out of speaking to the human race until i can get my shit together.

i don't really remember the last time i was really happy; the time when i could just sit down, take a deep breath, and smile. maybe i just didn't take the time to enjoy everything as it was happening. my favorite times were when i was somewhere i could forget everything that was happening in my life. and that's not happiness... i don't want to have to forget. i just want to be content for 3.2 seconds in my life.

i suppose the closest i can remember is last summer. mid july to august. where there was no school, no circles to go around in, no pressure to be anyone or do anything, everything was just day by day smiles. then school happened, people moved away again, i started going in circles, and began the life of not knowing how to make decisions. so, here i am, not happy, wishing someone would just live my life for a while and figure everything out for me while i nap, and wake me up when everything's okay again.

why is it that i won't let myself be happy? i know who is good for me and i know who is special. someone recently decided that i have hurt him too much for him to be friends with me anymore, which i understand and have been there, but i can't help but feeling a little piece of my heart fall apart. i told the person who hasn't been good for me for over two years now that i'm not sure we can talk or see each other anymore. but can i really handle losing everything all at once? the only two people that meant anything to me; the one who left shouldn't have, and the one who's still there is the wrong one. everything's twisted and i don't know if i'm strong enough to lose the only comfort i have left.

i don't know.