a million little pieces.

i was trying sort of hard to clean out my closet this afternoon, something i haven't done in probably three years. literally. maybe more. since nothing has come out of it in a while, i found some exceptional things.

i was surprised to see how few items i actually wished to salvage.

there were notes, from a time when a different lauren existed, that i was able to throw away with almost no second thought... something i wouldn't have been able to conceive of even six months ago. and pictures... the people in them meaning almost nothing to me now some of the time... others living currently in a time where they are not who they used to be. there was a cd adapter that you could plug into a cassette player in your car, probably from before i even had a liscense. i found books, my lady and the tramp vhs, and a picture of my dad ca. 1964. i found graduation cards, one of which i spared to hang up on my bulletin board, on imitation notebook paper, complete with the three holes along the side, stating something like "tomorrow is a blank page just waiting to be filled with your dreams.". it made me smile.

there were letters from my dad, that allow me to realize where i get my apprehension of conversation from, and instead favoring writing it all down.

i found christmas cards i never sent. online conversations that seemed to important to forget about.

i found greeting cards, reminding me of how great it was to get those on a bad day. i used to give them out like candy in high school... they just seemed such a good way to say you love someone, or appreciate them. those are what i couldn't bear to throw away. [sarah and amanda, thanks for those if you ever read this... they make me smile even now.]

after a while i stopped looking and just started tossing. it seems to me that it's harder to look back at how far you've come when all you really want to do is throw it all away.

maybe it's a good thing, wanting to start completely over, but i suppose, as i always do, that the past makes us who we are.

still... sometimes i can't help but wish it would just leave me alone.