happy, happy, joy, joy.

quick update on my life:

i went to summerfest the other day. i was too drunk for my own good. before i left i was rambling on to tim about relationships and how they're probably the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do. i should have known i was drunk, but i didn't.

i forgot to look in the mirror b/f i left, probably looked like crap from drinking for the past hour. i should have known i was drunk. we ran into paul randomly at the bus stop, and proceeded to complain about the vagina-looking coffee bean billboard that was taken down with the tagline "just another perk at summerfest" that we thought was hilarious the first time around.

i think i was on the phone with kelly for awhile, talking about her sexual experiences or something. i should have stopped drinking.

it gets a little blurry after the bus ride. you know those times when you start remember bits of the night the day after, as if it were a dream you had? well, from those little vignettes, tim and i walked paul to his friends, where i ran into an old friend. i should have thought i was drunk and on drugs when i asked her to hang out with me, and i probably made a fool of myself.

i saw james taylor, which was a great experience. something about hearing "fire and rain", a song that has been around forever, live from the source, makes me happy.

the bus ride home was not very fun.

i watched the wedding singer yesterday. that movie makes me laugh easily and often.

i finished my ninth book of the summer, my friend leonard. sequel to a million little pieces. both memoirs of a drug addict. both fabulous. before that i made sure to read tim's lion the witch and the wardrobe in preparation of the movie that's coming out eventually. i'm pretty sure i've read it before, although it could just be my memory of the movie that used to be on the disney channel or something of the sort.

i am now awaiting the sixth harry potter to arrive in the mail, although that's on the dl. i try to avoid things that the whole world makes a big deal of, but considering i started reading them when i was a freshman in highschool, i think it's okay for me to continue on the tradition. it's not my fault i got older and the world got crazy, is it?

i saw brett the other day, and we proceeded to talk for three hours straight, without even turning on the television, or otherwise preoccupying ourselves. it was an event to be celebrated. we discussed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and it made me realize how much i miss genuine, sober, conversations.

he told me he definitely sensed that i was 'cheesy happy'. it made me smile.

i am cheesy happy. and if people need to gag themselves on my account, by all means, be my guest. i'm refusing to change for the time being:)

i'm officially bringing a date to my grandma's 90th birthday party in a couple weeks, full of every family member, every like-family member, every old friend of my grandma's and of my mom's, and i am proud of it. he may feel silly and i may feel like a goon, but whatever. i am looking forward to commiserating.

dave matthews is coming up, which is exciting. i don't remember it from last year, so hopefully this time around i will monitor my alcohol intake a little better. i'm going with two of my cousins in from new orleans, tim, and i think his sister and her friend. hooray.

well i have to work tomorrow open - 5 so i think off i should go to sleep, something i'm in love with lately.

see yall on the flip side.

ps. i had a dream last night that i was possessed by the devil. is this healthy? does anyone analyze dreams? i usually have really scary dreams, in fact i've been told multiple times i should really get my head looked at, but this one seems to be a little worse than normal.

silly unimportant us.

for some reason, for the past few days, i have found myself cleaning my room. it takes days seeing as how i only work from midnight til about three am and since i don't really clean, per say, only throw crap away that i haven't looked at in years. updating my surroundings more so than clean, i guess i'd say.

amongst some unimportant silly letters or drawings from my younger years, there was a letter from my grandpa, my mom's father. i'm not sure why my mom had it, or how it came to be in my room, but it was photocopied and placed in the box with my things. it was addressed to my mom's oldest sibling, and dated "16 September 1944".

now, i don't know about you, but 1944 is forever and a day ago to me. because of this, i thought i'd start to read it. i never knew my grandfather, at least how my mom knew him; he had a stroke before i was born, and was consequently a "stroke victim" of the truest definition until he died, which was before i could ever remember going to the funeral. he couldn't talk, couldn't move his body very well. my grandma fed him, bathed him, took care of him until the end from what i remember being told. because of all of these things, it was like reading a letter from a stranger... yet someone that i know i am tied to through blood. it's an odd feeling to be perfectly honest with you, and thus i thought i'd write about it.

a 61 year old letter from someone i never knew like his family knew him, sitting in my room. photocopied most likely after his death because there is a stapled page with a photocopy of the envelope, the 61 year old envelope with a return address of "CWO N.R. Tylicki/Hq. Repl. Command, USAFFE." 1944 means world war II i realized, a war that i guess i remember from seeing things like saving private ryan. that was wwII, right?

i thought i'd share some of the letter, although i'm not sure it will be interesting to anyone but me. i figure it's my online journal, and should be for my benefit, and if you don't like it, go away.

Dear David:

From somewhere in New Guinea a lonesome father, lonsome for you and your mother, would like to have a talk with his son.

Being here isn't too bad. Up front the boys are really having a rough time, mosquiteos, bullets, bombs, Japs. Some buddies of mine, boys I served with when I first came into the service, are up there now. The news today told of two landings, one on Palau and another north of Halmahera. You probably won't ever hear those names again.

We have all the conveniences of home except hot water, fresh meats, vegtables, and milk. No ice cream for the present, though it is forthcoming. The ingredients have been purchased and now we await the freezing operation. We are located on the very edge of a Pacific ocean beach, so close to the water that sea walls had to be built to prevent the Pacific from reclaiming the beach and washing us out to sea.

The organization I'm serving with is a command of the higher echelon type. The personnel, officer and enlisted, are hand picked and are of a high caliber than the average Army unit. We all would like to do a good job and get the war over thereby getting home to our loved ones with the least practicable delay.

There isn't much that I can do towards making a home for us while I'm down here. Your mother is holding the fort now and making the plans.

As your father it is my duty to rear you, making an honorable citizen, a good Christian, a true example of a man. I will try to avert pitfalls, disappointments, and errors you may make. My shortcomings will not be your shortcomings. Having lived through the stages of life you must weather I can advise you from experience. Each succedding generation attempts to improve the past. That makes for better people and better living. At times you may think us irrational and unfair. You will be required to confide in your parents, especially your Dad, your "buddy". I should like to spend a good share of my leisure moments with you but I know that many times I would "cramp your style". Children often speak of "old fashioned" parents. Let's try to avoid that. We shall be as liberal as good reason allows.

We want you to be as proud of us as we are of you.

Now how about a sincere hand shake to seal the bargain.

Dad.

it's not the whole thing, but it's enough to make me happy. i watched a movie tonight, imaginary heroes i think it was called, and they kept saying noone will remember us, we'll be gone eventually, but these stars will always be there. we look at the same stars generations before us looked at, marvel over the same constellations. it's an interesting thought, i guess.

it's just so odd to take a step back and realize there was so much more than you, there's so many other things that have nothing to do with your life, and that in fact, your life most likely will not matter to people 50 years from now.

depressing kind of, isn't it?

baby baluga in the deep blue sea.

i've decided recently that i have missed being in a relationship. and although i'm a tid bit too crazy for my own good sometimes, it's good to be with someone again. someone good for me. the past year of on-again, off-again pseudo relationship status was a waste of two lives, but i think we're in a pretty good place now. probably more than "pretty good." at least in my opinion.

i just need to start working on my obsessive compulsive 'totem pole' issue. lauren does not always come first. only child syndrome, as well as fear of abandonment because of cheating dad shine on in full force when i get truely happy, and apparently both are really bad things. damn. but i guess it's valid with most people; you get most afraid of losing the things you love the most, right?

sarah told me the other day after explaining a fight i had that she was super glad she wasn't in a relationship when she heard it; that she didn't miss things like that... but i mean, nothing's fun all the time, right? and it almost makes a relationship more worthwhile when you actually take the time to fight... right? i hope so.

on another note, i've had a pretty fabulous week. aside from a few mishaps in the crazy department, here are a few highlights:

~ imax sharks. gorgeous.
~ a barbeque with old friends. looking past the cluster of plans, when all was said and done, it was lovely. good to sit around and catch up, slash just talk about silly randomness. i need to re-find my life. i think i misplaced it when everyone moved away. that's my new goal for the year. find some friends and work on keeping and seeing them. one two three go.
~ a gift of a $25 g-string from sarah. it's pink, with strings of beads along the front and sides. to celebrate her vicarious life, she says. horrifically humorous. the boys made sure to give me pointers on how to dance around as well as what to wear on top before i took it home with me.
~ dinner at bravo. me in a skirt. spinach dip. chicken pomodoro. the best date as company. holding hands over the table, just like those couples i usually gag over, slowly but surely over-coming my touching in public phobia. what more could you ask for.
~ sarah telling me i've never looked more content and happy in my life.
~ purchasing a pink picture book at barnes and noble, and the anticipation of opening it with purpose.
~ the discovery of voice memos on cell phones, and the full advantage taken of them.
~ tim's new cell phone and all it's glory.
~ mae's everglow cd.
~ a psuedo anniversary on the 4th and the dozen roses and card that accompanied it... when i probably didn't deserve it.

it's been a good week.

i'm starting to become one of those people i hated.

now i just need to work on remembering to have a life.

anyone wanna go out tomorrow?

i'm going to summerfest, i think. death cab, here i come.

call me if you want to see me. maybe this time summerfest won't be such a disaster.