it's true.

i am wasting my life away.

finals are over, although i need to go back to school tomorrow to hand my papers in and return my books... then, at long last, it will be to the neglected bottle of wine in my fridge for tim and i, slash a little christmas movie marathon [my idea, obviously...]. so hooray for that, right?...

other than that, i've been bored. as per usual. i actually almost wish i was at school forever. just not in the town of whitewater, population 234, where nothing stays open past 10pm.

don't get me wrong, two hips and a hooray for seeing everyone again, but it just feels so silly almost in the fact that everyone lives two lives pretty much.

the good news is that i started a new book. bad news is that it is about six million pages and i'm afraid it will take all of break to finish. then again, i have a month... either way. it's called "seven types of ambiguity" by elliot perlman, and the language makes me feel as though i have to breathe in every word slowly or otherwise i won't understand it. i'm enjoying it thus far, though.

spain in three weeks and a day. interesting. i'd better start saving...

coincidentally, while i'm spending my time in spain, tim will be in haiti for one day less than me during the same week. "haiti?!" you may be shouting in confusion. yes, haiti. apparently his dad does medical work there. war torn countries aren't usually on my top three [or three thousand and three] list of places to spend my christmas break, but hey, it'll be a good experience for him. they apparently shoot aid workers there, however. no joke. scary. i don't like it and i'm actually horribly worried about it. seeing as how we will have no contact whatsoever all week won't help me out.

sarah's birthday is on wednesday. should be interesting, i suppose. maybe i'll make a conscious effort not to hate people. someone really needs to remind me of that when i drink, there's a strong possibility i will forget.

i was thinking about it, and honestly, once you stick me in a room chock full of people i've known for seven years or more i kind of burn out. or something. i don't know. i've gotta fall back in the swing of things. surround myself with the loves of my life i used to.

i suppose that is all for me. after what feels like a lifetime at this computer today i think it's time i head off to my bed. to read or do something otherwise semi unproductive.

bahhhh humbug.

i have extremely strong, mixed feelings on this whole holiday season thing.

on the one hand, hooray for another celebration of love, but it all just feels so forced. there's a deadline to spend money on every person in your life that you want to celebrate with. right there it alienates all the broke people in the world, slash puts an unecessary pressure on the people with moderate amounts of money to spend what little they do have on people that may just want them to save it for themselves, slash makes everyone feel that if they get a gift, they must return one. it's the season of giving, and if someone wants to give a present, i highly doubt they're expecting one back, much less a forced last minute gift.

also, i hate surprises more than anything in the world. honestly. i used to open the presents under the tree when my mom wasn't home just so i could plan my reactions. there's something about having to open a gift in front of the person giving it, looking at them with that big "i'm so excited for you to see this present i just knew you'd like" on their face and then, inevitably having to fake a horrible smile back with a "oh wow thanks so much" comment when really your great aunt apparently missed the memo on the fact that purple chenile sweaters just aren't number one on your lists anymore. even if i end up liking the present there's just so much pressure on opening it.

ideally, i'd like the person to just tell me what they got me when they get it, just leave it on a counter one day, or just give me the wrapped thing and let me open it by myself. it may be selfish, but it really just benifits all involved.

besides that, i love my house at christmas. my mom dresses it up classicly, with wreaths above the fireplace, garland draping the stairway, and those silly fake candles in the windows. i hope that when i get older i have the motivation/skill to figure out how to decorate.

the snow puts a nice touch on the month of december. it really feels like christmas when there's a foot of snow on the ground and i have to trapse through icky slush at least twice a day.

however, the snow that turns into ice thing is not my cup of tea. i fell yesterday... and i'm not really a faller. i mean, not as though i'm graceful or anything, i just tend to avoid anything that might endanger my upright walking. alas... i was walking out of jenni's house yesterday, and they have about 7 snow-covered cement steps that were necessary to pass before getting on my way. consequently, very last step, down i go. i don't usually get embarrassed about things, and this time was no different, it just huuuurt. it hurts worse today than it did initially. apparently i not only scraped up the left side of my lower back, but also bruised the crap out of it. i can't even slouch in chairs at the moment. or get in/out of cars without grunting loudly. very obnoxious.

ah well, i suppose 'tis all for me for now.

have a holly jolly week.

hola, espana!

re: my life right now. juicy juicy news ~ i'm going to spain in january to visit mi natalia. madrid, to be exact. and i know you're all jealous. my flights are officially booked, leaving from chicago at 1030pm in order to get to madrid at 530 at night, instead of the morning/afternoon flights that i would have been my only options had i taken out of milwaukee.

is it bad that i'm pretty much just as excited to switch planes in heathrow airport in london as i am to be going to europe in general? i have a couple hours to spend there, and i just want to be surrounded by people with gorgeous accents that speak my language. i wish i could visit the actual city instead of just the airport; it's one of my life's goals. not to be out-shown by madrid, of course. but i speak almost no spanish, aside from a few key vocab words that have stuck in my mind from high school. some useful: "bano"~ bathroom... others not necessarily: "pez" ~ fish. and i don't really know a lot about the country of spain, aside from the terrorist attacks on it last year...

the only thing i'm really nervous about is traveling such an extreme distance by myself. i mean, i just figured out how to drive from new berlin to brookfield after four years. i'm not good with directions. or doing things on my own. i'd love to be one of those strong girls that can do, and insist on doing everything, or most things, on their own. those able people that can go it alone. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i'm an only child, and thus have pretty much always been alone and needing comfort in someone else. i just don't have the confidence to be "independent" somewhere. i don't know how people visit other countries, especially foreign-language countries, by themselves. it baffles my mind. what would you do? not only do you have no one to share your experiences with first hand, but you have to be competent!

not to say i'm a bumbling idiot, but i just prefer putting any responsibility on the shoulders of someone else. or, if i have someone with me, at least we'll go down together. i have a feeling i'll miss my plane out of london or lose my luggage or something b/c i can't figure out how it all works.

i'm sure it will be a lovely experience, though... i can't wait. i've only been out of the continental u.s. on the four cruises i have been on to the warm weather places... you know, bahama-ey islands and such.

at least my guide/hermana will be able to speak the language and give me a true vacation full of fabulous things i may never see again.

only a month and a half away...

i should be sleeping.

i really honestly have nothing of interest to say. however, i have to be at work at 845 in the morning tomorrow, and so obviously, since i really need to, i can't sleep. i got around four or five hours of drunken sleep last night, got back home to waukesha, put in a movie, kept accidentally dozing off, so by 945 my lights were off as i was attempting to sleep. it is now about 1045 and apparently my body is too lazy or something.

it's very obnoxious.

so, consequently, i am here. writing about nothing, hoping it will bore me into a much much much needed sleep.

just a random side note about how lately "i can't help thinking" about jealousy. loyalties. [the quotes an obvious ode to carrie, sex and the city? you got it. you know it.] it's so freaking dumb how it seems the longer you seem to be in a relationship, although it should all fade away, it just seems more prominent to me. i mean, it sort of makes sense: the longer you're with someone, the more invested you become, the more vulnerable you make yourself to said someone, the harder you will hurt later. but it all is just a huge hassle. i swear, i have spent half of my life in relationships attempting to convince myself that a) if they didn't want to be with me, they wouldn't be, and b) i really need to just worry about this minute, this day, and stop flipping out about things that haven't even happened yet.

pretty f'ing stupid, if you ask me. this whole "hard" relationships thing. you'd really think that as i got older, my issues would cease. alas. they seem to come back full force with every year that passes. what am i going to do when i'm like, thirty? if i'm not married by then, will i still be going through these same issues or will i mature out of them? because i know i'm young now, but i was young at 17, and i feel i'm sort of the same person, just at a different level. whatever. just a random note.

i just wish everything was easier. but the easy stuff isn't really worth it, is it? or am i just convincing myself of an un-truism?