Friday, February 24, 2006

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, 'Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.'"

if you think about it in real perspective, don't you want to know, when it's over, that you did all you could? to make it work, to make him happy, to be someone he'd be proud of...

shouldn't you then, in theory, remind yourself of this concept everyday so as to avoid it when the bottom really does drop out?

~ words i wrote in my handy journal [that coincidentally has an uncanny resemblance to that of dr. jones's in the last crusade... tie and all... hooray gifts.] the day before the bottom dropped out.

good timing.

so i had decided that i want to be enraptured with something. by something. but more, and most, importantly, i want someone to be enraptured by me.

isn't that what we all deserve? someone head over heels, willing to hold on through it all... someone who looks past the fights and the petty shit and is willing to stick it out because of the simple love... someone willing to stay. i think i deserve more than i give myself credit for. doesn't everyone?

natalie told me in spain: "it's possible to have it all."

everyone puts up with things when they're in really in love, because for some stupid reason, the love overshadows almost all of it. "it's fine" after three seconds b/c it doesn't matter anymore.

most of the time.

enough was enough, apparently.

i heart grey's anatomy. consequently i leave you with meredith grey's ingenious writers with indispensible life advice:

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Monday, February 20, 2006

"lovely". 12 points. triple word score.

i just wanted to document how much i love scrabble.

i'm no champ; my word-forming skills aren't very polished, and my vocabulary isn't extremely extensive, but i thoroughly enjoy it.

board games in general, i'd say, are one of the greatest, most underrated activities people my age participate in. they don't have to be turned into drinking games, you don't have to be drunk to do them, they're just good ol' fashioned fun - there to bring you and a few of your friends together on an otherwise boring, useless night.

way better than doing homework early, i must say. and it doesn't cost a dime - always a positive.

so i say to you, play games! just don't talk too much trash. it'll kick you in the ass.

scrabble, boggle, candy land, life, sorry, trouble, battleship... if they don't make you smile, there's something wrong with you.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

[insert witty/creative/intelligent title here]

i used to write. nothing extremely elequent, nothing to be published, nothing to win a pulitzer, but i wrote. it was for myself, or occasionally the eyes of someone involved, and it helped me deal. helped me cope. i think maybe i should try to start again.

i'm not entirely sure what happened, but i have found myself in a life rut. emotional, physically, intellectually... stagnant.

in the past i used to fluctuate rather consistently between good moods and bad moods, but now i kind of feel as though i am in a constant state of apathy. nothing is really wrong in my life, which, i am aware, makes me sad and pathetic in a lot of ways regarding my current state... i just want some... excitement. something different. some random moments to remember forever, some interesting people to pop randomly up in my life and stick around for a tish... some food to be newly discovered by my taste buds... some book to make me want to run home to reopen... something to pique my interest or insight or intelligence - something that makes me feel creative or admired or smart or... something. i'm looking for that something.

i want to be enraptured.

i want to move to a place where no one knows me, yet feels like home.

i want to be a friend that i would like to have myself... i want to be someone i'd like to be around.

i want to start writing again, for my own sake, not for someone else to read and tell me what they think.

i want to see that look again...
i want to be the reason for a smile.

i want to accept and move on.

i want to move on.

fluctuation is my new goal. and for a creature of habit, it should be a nice change.

i kind of just want to be happy, stop overanalyzing, and accept the fact that if people are insistent upon judging me, they'd leave.

if people were unhappy around me, they wouldn't stay. right?

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