lucky duck.

and it continues.

lately my semesters have been pretty touch and go when it came to effort... usually more "touch" than "go."

like others, i've always had slacker tendencies... i was the one working on a 20 page research paper the night before it was due. i almost never did readings. i'm still a back row baby, i.e. unless there is no other possible way, i will be in the back row of the classroom, usually seated near a door or a corner. i doodle while others highlight. i tend to get bored easily and consequently am inclined not to go to class if i can avoid it.

but even with these bad habits, i manage to pull grade point averages out of my ass that i'm not embarassed about. four a's and a b for a semester full of, "i'm not going to class tomorrow." "why not?" "i'm going to be tired. i can feel it." or, "i have to study for this test... how do i only have two pages of new notes?" or, "maybe i should pick a topic for my 12 page research paper that's due in five days."

when i say i'm nervous about my grades every semester, i'm not being humble. i genuinely walk a very fine line each end of term. yet somehow, some way, i've been doing well. now look - i know that i haven't been a complete idiot - i've done my work and handed [almost] all of it in on time - and the things that i do hand in i put effort into. part of me believes that i do deserve the grades that i've been getting... but another part wonders how i pull it off.

i just can't help being surprised. maybe i should feel more proud of myself. maybe i should work a little harder next semester.

my goal for next semester, my last of actual class work, is to find myself at the end not afraid of my grades. knowing that maybe i doodled less and went to class more, and consequently will be confident that i did well. i don't want to be nervous anymore. wish me luck. it will probably last a week or two. especially with another 8am class on the agenda...