oh blog, you kill me.

two people have mentioned my blog in the past couple of weeks, in two completely different contexts with two completely different reactions.

the first was sort of with a sigh; "i used to read your blog, you know."

the second was prefaced and interrupted with laughter; "remember when you had a blog?"

cryptic to the outsider, but fascinating to me.

this stupid blog. who do i write to? myself? why don't i just open up a word document and keep track of my days and thoughts there? i feel like it's only beneficial to me anyway, so why keep doing it? it's not as if i say the things i would say if i were just writing for myself...

curious.

what's a synonym for "ridiculous"?

i've always hated being called ridiculous. having my behavior deemed ridiculous. i think it is an incredibly unfair word, and one that should be avoided. kind of like "crazy". alas, my "ridiculous-ness" cycle has apparenly started again, as i was acknowledged as this last night. sigh.

for the record, a synonym for ridiculous is actually "unreasonable". perhaps not far off from my behavior occasionally, but it irritates me more than anything to be labeled as such.

it is fairly demeaning and very obnoxious.

i am afraid my behavior makes things too hard for me and everyone around me sometimes, and that makes me nervous.

on a not all too unrelated note, one of my good friends told me yesterday that i make bad decisions. doesn't sound so shocking when i type it out, but to hear it outloud is shocking. he also told me that if we ever dated i would have to lie to him a lot.

on a very unrelated note, i have decided today to attempt to eliminate the adjective "fuckin'" from my vocabulary, for it has spiraled out of control and become the only descriptor i'm capable of using. 'grab the fuckin' remote.' 'he was in that fuckin' movie.' 'you know, the fuckin'... the fuckin'... fuck.' etc.

the end.

ps. regardless of what my behavior was labeled last night, for the record, i went to bed happy and woke up smiling, so maybe i'm on the right track.

in love with love.

my entire life i have always thought about the divorce of my parents with an outlook of determination that i will be more careful about finding someone right to spend my life with. that i would take care in looking for that person. i had all kinds of timelines worked out in my head regarding how long i would date someone, how long i'd be engaged, whether or not i'd live with them, etc. i have had an unflinchingly rigid faith in love; that regardless of divorce rates, finding someone to be with for a lifetime is, indeed, possible.

then, during a conversation i had with an old friend [i hesitate to use the word 'friend' there, but i'm not sure i have another, more appropriate descriptor] after only a glass or two of red wine, i was asked something about it. most people don't ask, and to hear someone ask me my thoughts on divorce, or how i have been affected by divorce in my life, surprised me. i had always thought my answer was something vibrant that would show my love of love, my faith in it.

instead, from what i remember, to my own surprise, without hesitating for even a second, i responded with, "i think it's really hard to find someone you can spend your entire life with."

while i think that is true, and must believe it more than i thought to answer without thinking about it, i also wanted to clarify that, although it may be difficult, i believe it's possible, and still have hope in love for the world:)

[i also believe that noone is perfect, and noone will fill every single quality i would like someone to have. that would probably be boring, anyway.]

i am currently happy enough, and still have an unflinchinly rigid faith in love.