'yesterday i turned 23 / the date didn't mean that much to me...'

ah, birthdays. they used to be such a big deal. or at least i remember them being a bigger deal than the ones of late.

i think 21 was the last 'birthday' i really had - one that i felt the need to gather friends for. 22 turned into a 'i don't care; are you going to be around? if so, maybe we should get a drink' day. 23, on march 18, went something like: wake up at 515. laugh when a student shouts 'happy birthday!' in the hallway. laugh again when the first line of the happy birthday song are sung before the morning announcements and trail off. leave school at 315, go to dinner at 5, go to bed at 8. it didn't even feel like a day unlike any other, really.

when i was little, i used to love writing stories. they were usually about real things - none of that fantasy crap. i'd write about people doing normal things, and the people were almost always, without fail, age 23. for some reason, when i was younger, i thought 23 was the perfect age. it was the age i couldn't wait to be. i figured that's when life started for everyone.

it's not true, and i still feel like some of the seniors i teach, only with slightly more life experience. i feel as though i still need a lot of the things i needed then, i still eat the same things, laugh at most of the same things plus some, love some of the same things, like the same genre of books and movies... i don't know. i guess i'm waiting to wake up one day and all of sudden realize i'm a grown up. i assume this will happen in approximately two years... once i find a job, get the hell out of my house, and start paying some bills. we'll see.

i have been daydreaming lately about getting out of dodge. my grandma left me an inheritance that is more than a starting teacher will make in a year, and i have been wondering how i could grab some of that and run away, not to be heard from for months.

i think i would miss some people, but i also think it wouldn't be something i'd ever regret. "hi, mom? yeah, i flew to [insert foreign, exotic, exciting country here] on sunday. not sure when i'll be home, but it's beautiful here." sigh.

in theory i'm supposed to be looking for a job. i should have been applying a month ago, and have been putting it off for as long as possible. mostly because i've been far too busy catching up on lesson plans, but also because i just can't imagine growing up and having a real life by myself. the thought freaks me out.

i also internally hyperventilate about the interviewing process. i'm fairly certain i'm going to be horrible at it, considering i have never in my life interviewed for any of the jobs i've had since i've been 16 years old. what if noone hires me? what if i get hired and then fired because i do a lousy job? teaching is hard - there is a strong possibility that if someone is silly enough to hire me that i blow it. fjkdla;jl

what happened to freaking out about not handing in a science worksheet in middle school? or getting a saturday detention in high school? or even staying up all night in college to half-ass a paper on quilting? [true story. that english class sucked.] it seemed like such a big deal! now i crave worrying about such trivial things.

idk. maybe 24 will find me in a new job, with a semi-grown-up life, and almost content. i will be anxiously awaiting the day.

procrastination is bringing me down.

i have to start hamlet on monday. do i know the characters? no. have i read it? no. do i know what activities i will be doing throughout the five-week unit? negative.

after hamlet, i have lit circles. three more novels that i have not started.

i am officially stressed out beyond belief, and i have noone to blame but myself. i am incapable of working on things before they are needed, and that is a horrible trait.

i need a hug, and don't know where to get one.

ugh. i made a giant mistake in leaving all of this for the last minute.

maybe i need to screw myself over before i really start to get my shit done? hit rock bottom? or i could just start going to bed at a reasonable hour so i'm not too tired to work on things at school.

contemplating my decisions.

overwhelmed.

kind of freaking out.

deep breaths.

teaching is a lot of work, slash relationships are complicated.

i am being supervised for the first time tomorrow during my lit class. when i told my seniors this on thursday, they interrupted me with laughter and questions like, "do we have to look like we're enjoying ourselves?" or "what if we walk in like, really late?" they made me giggle, but i sincerely hope they are on their best behavior. we're going to discuss shakespeare sonnets, and the first solid 10-15 minutes of the lesson depends on their participation in the discussion.

when noone answered my questions on thursday, i explained, "yeah, see... this is what we are going to avoid on monday." one kid responded, "ms. brown, we'll discuss on monday for you, just not right now," in a friendly, not-mean-spirited way. silly kids. i'm hoping they like me enough to be cooperative for 45 minutes. they're usually pretty good about it all, though. i appreciate kids that aren't afraid to be wrong and actually speak up in class.

on a completely unrelated note, outside of school stress, my life has been filled with so much... emotional stress... that i thought i would explode.

i am officially dating again. after being asked on a few dates that never quite worked out, enjoying my life as a "free agent", so to speak, i am back in action, off the market once again [is that an oxymoron?].

it was an extremely difficult decision to make, one that required pages upon pages of life-assessment before making a commitment. after questioning it for too long, it was strictly a "why not?" result.

my last relationship didn't work out. he was my best friend for so long... we just didn't work together as a couple. maybe it was because i needed the time to myself; i know now it's much easier to go into a relationship trusting the other person than not. maybe i needed the self-reflection. maybe my ex and i are better off as friends; maybe we're better off not speaking. all i know for a fact is that he didn't need me in his life, and i didn't see why i should stop myself from continuing to look for someone that does, regardless of how it might effect everyone else.

i still think about my last relationship a borderline unhealthy amount. what was great. why it's good that it ended. how it was my first semi-grown-up relationship, and how it will always be important to me. how i grew up.

in a lot of ways, i think it taught us what we didn't want from a significant other, which is an important lesson to learn, even if it took three years. so much of that relationship was good, and had a solid base of friendship... and i could go on forever about it. but it's time to move past it. a piece of my heart is forever given to him, and i am happy to be without it.

i am officially looking forward. it's a little strange, and a little more difficult to do than i'm used to, but i think it's a step in the right direction. to try again feels good.

on another side note, sometimes i wish i could be more explicit. in this blog, in work, and in my real life. apparently i no longer say what i mean, which is interesting. maybe that only comes with years of frustration and love, but i apparently lost the skill to communicate somewhere along the way to where i am now.

i think the last time i actually tried to say what i meant was during the last conversation i had with "gentle ben", as jason calls him. [the explicit nature of that sentence almost hurt to type out. i usually try to be so vague here, just in case...] it was a sad, early-twenties, "i can't talk to you anymore" conversation that i am still proud of myself for. slash disappointed with.

here's to: giving things a shot. discussing shakespeare with 17 and 18-year-olds. giggling. jojo's martini lounge. new pillows from bed bath and beyond, and the "nice lil' saturday" errand running to retrieve it. appreciative people. authenticity.