teaching is a lot of work, slash relationships are complicated.

i am being supervised for the first time tomorrow during my lit class. when i told my seniors this on thursday, they interrupted me with laughter and questions like, "do we have to look like we're enjoying ourselves?" or "what if we walk in like, really late?" they made me giggle, but i sincerely hope they are on their best behavior. we're going to discuss shakespeare sonnets, and the first solid 10-15 minutes of the lesson depends on their participation in the discussion.

when noone answered my questions on thursday, i explained, "yeah, see... this is what we are going to avoid on monday." one kid responded, "ms. brown, we'll discuss on monday for you, just not right now," in a friendly, not-mean-spirited way. silly kids. i'm hoping they like me enough to be cooperative for 45 minutes. they're usually pretty good about it all, though. i appreciate kids that aren't afraid to be wrong and actually speak up in class.

on a completely unrelated note, outside of school stress, my life has been filled with so much... emotional stress... that i thought i would explode.

i am officially dating again. after being asked on a few dates that never quite worked out, enjoying my life as a "free agent", so to speak, i am back in action, off the market once again [is that an oxymoron?].

it was an extremely difficult decision to make, one that required pages upon pages of life-assessment before making a commitment. after questioning it for too long, it was strictly a "why not?" result.

my last relationship didn't work out. he was my best friend for so long... we just didn't work together as a couple. maybe it was because i needed the time to myself; i know now it's much easier to go into a relationship trusting the other person than not. maybe i needed the self-reflection. maybe my ex and i are better off as friends; maybe we're better off not speaking. all i know for a fact is that he didn't need me in his life, and i didn't see why i should stop myself from continuing to look for someone that does, regardless of how it might effect everyone else.

i still think about my last relationship a borderline unhealthy amount. what was great. why it's good that it ended. how it was my first semi-grown-up relationship, and how it will always be important to me. how i grew up.

in a lot of ways, i think it taught us what we didn't want from a significant other, which is an important lesson to learn, even if it took three years. so much of that relationship was good, and had a solid base of friendship... and i could go on forever about it. but it's time to move past it. a piece of my heart is forever given to him, and i am happy to be without it.

i am officially looking forward. it's a little strange, and a little more difficult to do than i'm used to, but i think it's a step in the right direction. to try again feels good.

on another side note, sometimes i wish i could be more explicit. in this blog, in work, and in my real life. apparently i no longer say what i mean, which is interesting. maybe that only comes with years of frustration and love, but i apparently lost the skill to communicate somewhere along the way to where i am now.

i think the last time i actually tried to say what i meant was during the last conversation i had with "gentle ben", as jason calls him. [the explicit nature of that sentence almost hurt to type out. i usually try to be so vague here, just in case...] it was a sad, early-twenties, "i can't talk to you anymore" conversation that i am still proud of myself for. slash disappointed with.

here's to: giving things a shot. discussing shakespeare with 17 and 18-year-olds. giggling. jojo's martini lounge. new pillows from bed bath and beyond, and the "nice lil' saturday" errand running to retrieve it. appreciative people. authenticity.