letting my dad take over my wall for a day.

an email sent to me from my dad today. where i got my moderate capabilities of articulation, and why i love him:


Laur,

I’m sorry graduation day may not have been the extraordinary event for you that it should have been. Maybe like a wedding is not as much for the bride and groom as it is for the guests, graduation is more for those who love you, than for you. But regardless of its level of being a “milestone moment” to you, it was important … it was memorable … and it was a step towards the future; and those steps are always exciting … and when we look back they are sometimes “extraordinary.”

I had a toast prepared for you … but that plan got usurped a bit, so I put it away for another time and place.

But on the way home Leslie mentioned how it would have been nice if you could have gone through the day without someone bringing up the subject of “getting a job” or hearing that you can run your own life when you’re “paying” your way. The latter was way out of line, and the former is probably more important to you than anyone else. We ought to acknowledge that your life should now be guided by your decisions … not ours. If you ask for advice, we should give it; if you want help, we’ll step in. But it became painfully clear to me yesterday that you’re constantly being bombarded with advice, opinions and assistance that you’re not asking for; and as relentless as the messages seem to be delivered, I can understand why you would withdraw or even rebel. I apologize for probably contributing more to the problem than the solution. You deserve a lot more credit than you’re being given. I'll do my best to remember that.

Sometime Leslie and I would like to take you and Chris out for dinner … and you two can pick the subjects we talk about, or don’t talk about. And we'll try really hard not to do anything to embarass you.

I know you have a great future ahead of you, Pumpkin. Believe in yourself, and others will believe in you too. It’s that simple … and that difficult.

All my love, pride and respect,

Dad

alumna.

i am officially a college graduate. however, this title doesn't feel real, for as my peers go out drinking and celebrating never having a test again, i am student teaching until june 12th, making the tests rather than taking them. so while i won't have to take a written exam at school anymore, i will be correcting them for the next four weeks.

i still have work to do every weekend. consequently, today needs to be a day like any other so i don't spend my entire sunday in bed; i need to be coherent and productive so i can score nonfiction analyses, create freshman genocide projects, and begin formulating final exams.

everyone keeps congratulating me on being done, but it's just a tease. i have worked harder in these past four months than i have all five years of college combined, and i'm not done yet.

i don't get paid, work 7am-5pm at school, come home, eat dinner while i take an hour break, and continue to work on school work.

my current life is not one to be envied, and today simply made me more jealous of everyone else in college than i was before.

i was leaving school [college-school] last week monday around 9pm. i stopped to return a movie at blockbuster and saw a couple walking out. the guy was carrying '27 dresses' as he followed his girlfriend to her car. not only was i amused by the situation, but i have never been more jealous of anyone in my life. my body craves mosey-ing on over to blockbuster on a random school night just because i'm bored. i miss being a regular student. i didn't realize how much i would miss it, actually. i didn't know that last semester would be my last chance to be a real student... not one immersed in high school culture and grading papers every night.

sigh.

aside from these downer things, my life is actually pretty okay at the moment. i even reached a day this week where i almost felt happy, which is a word i would have never used a month ago to describe how i was doing.

i owe a lot to my relationship, which seems so lame to say. i know i should be fine and good on my own, but right now, he is the reason i am on the cusp of happy again. i'm not entirely sure what that says about me as a person, but i guess i don't care. my days are better when he is in them. it's an odd feeling i almost forgot about.

i congratulate my fellow graduates and want them all to know i am whole-heartedly envious of them.

i will be celebrating on june 12th, hopefully by getting so drunk i can't stand. is that an appropriate goal for a future professional educator? i don't even care.

for now, i will strive to move beyond the cusp and actually reach the ever-elusive "happy" i've been searching for. i'd settle for content. we'll see how it goes.