[insert wishful sigh here] slash this is a very random post.

i wish i could bottle up my day yesterday, open it up whenever i'm not doing so well.

aside from being hot [which i hate... a lot... it makes me unhappy and impatient], the day was full of greatness. not necessarily the activities involved [the 13 or 14 inning brewer game was just one or two innings too long. it also didn't help that we were apparently sitting in the mn twins section.] - although everything i did was enjoyable, it was more so just the feeling i had all day.

i felt genuinely loved for the first time in a while. even without it being said, before i fell asleep in front of the movie i wasn't terribly interested in, limbs draped all around him, i knew it. it sounds super presumptuous, but i don't think of it in a bad way. more like i understood for the first time how what you do really can mean way more than words. and that driving around in a car can be exactly where i want to be. i knew, before it was said.

i went to bed last night swearing that when i woke up i wouldn't let anything ruin my state of mind. then i called my dad, who i was supposed to have dinner with, who responded repeatedly with, "we don't have to if you don't want to." all i asked was if we were still having dinner... for father's day. i said no, i called him the other day to ask him, and he said again, "we don't have to if you don't want to." he said we could go see my grandpa around five. i said fine and hung up.

i don't get it, and it made me sad.

i know that as soon as i go downstairs today, into the belly of the monster i call living with my mom, my mood will be further squashed as she yells at me for staying in bed so long, not doing any chores, or any of the other four million and seven things she is always on my ass about.

sigh. i just want to live yesterday again. or maybe go on that cleveland/new york/boston road trip that is slowly coming together, no thanks to my hard work. it's a great thing to daydream about on a daily basis, and i feel guilty that all i really contribute is a "yes" or a "no", or a random opinion about a hotel or tour we could go on. i've never been pro-active when it comes to planning things... i admire someone that can order books, look at maps and brochures, and organize a list and timetable of possibilities. i'm going to be a horrible wedding planner someday.

as a side note, it's so great to be with someone that allows the possibility of a future without really thinking about it. little things like, 'well i know what i'm getting you for christmas,' to joking around about how the 70 year old couple at the brewers game buying food for each other, sitting and watching the game will be us someday, noting that i'll probably be in a wheelchair due to chili cheese fry obesity. although none of this may happen, it's an amazing feeling to be with someone that isn't afraid of it, of a future. i really hope i don't mess this relationship up by overthinking it. things just feel so right. not forced, not thought about. everything is so easy right now, i am absolutely afraid i'm going to blow it.

when we talked one night about our long drive in the car together to boston, i made a joke about drawing up contracts, i.e. "lauren can only complain four times today." he laughed and rolled his eyes. told me not to worry about anything. i talked to tim about said road trip and contracts, and he answered, "that's probably a good idea."

i know i shouldn't compare anything, but i feel like who i am in my relationship now has a lot to do with my last one; good things and bad. i'm waiting to be told i'm crazy, or irrational. i want to write up a contract because i'm used to something else. i'm learning to take deep breaths. so far taking one day at a time has been my biggest lesson. there is no use worrying about two months from now when you can just enjoy now, right?

i think i'm more balanced. maybe i'm not told i'm crazy or irrational b/c i'm just not as crazy or irrational. knock on wood.

i talked to one of chris's friends the other night at a bar. he was talking about how his girlfriend of four years had broken up with him a while ago, and he still misses her. he is heartbroken and can't imagine a life without her. he thinks about all of the things he could have done differently, or better for her, and is terribly sad about all of it.

he probably hates me for it, but i told him [drunk, btw] that i had been in a super similar position. regrets do nothing for the situation; it's over and it will just make you crazy. i never thought it was possible, but things work more smoothly now in my life. although we are still great friends, we were not supposed to be together. it took me a while to accept that, but i know it's the truth. and i know he'll feel the same way one day. regardless of whether or not it lasts, there is more out there. pick up, move out, and accept. one day at a time.