a million little pieces.

i was trying sort of hard to clean out my closet this afternoon, something i haven't done in probably three years. literally. maybe more. since nothing has come out of it in a while, i found some exceptional things.

i was surprised to see how few items i actually wished to salvage.

there were notes, from a time when a different lauren existed, that i was able to throw away with almost no second thought... something i wouldn't have been able to conceive of even six months ago. and pictures... the people in them meaning almost nothing to me now some of the time... others living currently in a time where they are not who they used to be. there was a cd adapter that you could plug into a cassette player in your car, probably from before i even had a liscense. i found books, my lady and the tramp vhs, and a picture of my dad ca. 1964. i found graduation cards, one of which i spared to hang up on my bulletin board, on imitation notebook paper, complete with the three holes along the side, stating something like "tomorrow is a blank page just waiting to be filled with your dreams.". it made me smile.

there were letters from my dad, that allow me to realize where i get my apprehension of conversation from, and instead favoring writing it all down.

i found christmas cards i never sent. online conversations that seemed to important to forget about.

i found greeting cards, reminding me of how great it was to get those on a bad day. i used to give them out like candy in high school... they just seemed such a good way to say you love someone, or appreciate them. those are what i couldn't bear to throw away. [sarah and amanda, thanks for those if you ever read this... they make me smile even now.]

after a while i stopped looking and just started tossing. it seems to me that it's harder to look back at how far you've come when all you really want to do is throw it all away.

maybe it's a good thing, wanting to start completely over, but i suppose, as i always do, that the past makes us who we are.

still... sometimes i can't help but wish it would just leave me alone.

we live in a beautiful world...

yeah we do, yeah we do...

coldplay. sweet.

now i never meant
to do you wrong

that's what i came here to say

but if i was wrong
then i'm sorry

i don't let it stand in our way

and my head just aches
when i think of
the things that I shouldn't have done

but life is for living
we all know

and i don't wanna live it alone

you're killing me, smalls.

i was thinking today that perhaps the worst [as well as best sometimes, i suppose] thing about being in a relationship to me is the responsibility of caring for someone else. maybe "responsibility" isn't the right word, but it seems sort of accurate.

let me give you an opposite example to help out my point: if a stranger walks up to you on the street and tells you that they don't like your outfit, it doesn't really bother you, except that maybe they're crazy for taking the time to tell you. if someone you've never seen before tells you that their plans that night have nothing to do with you, you shrug your shoulders. negative comments fly off of you as though you're made of teflon, and you're indifferent to pretty much anything and everything they say or do in their lives. indifference is a luxury when it comes to strangers, in my opinion. if you hate someone, you still care about the situation slash that particular person. you know you've moved on when you can honestly say you couldn't care less about what they were doing, or saying, or seeing.

i suppose you are beginning to see my point. when you care about someone, or something, you have the burden of caring about everything they say or do. how they live their lives affects you in some way or another, and that can be extremely obnoxious i'm realizing. sometimes i wish for indifference. it seems like such an easier way to go. alas, when i really truly care about someone, i seem to get angry within seconds, and am not able to let it go for ages. i will remember the situation that made me angry until i don't remember the relationship anymore... which is a long time.

this, my friends, blows my ass.

i don't really know how to explain it to the extent i'd like, to be quite honest. this doesn't quite cut it, but it's the best i can do.

it seems like such an opposite reaction at first glance: the more i care, the more annoyed i get, but it makes sense when looked at deeper... i guess. the problem is, i just don't know what to do about it.

maybe i'm just a weirdo. i mean, i know i'm a weirdo, but about this particular situation, i may be especially so.

oh, ps, customers at circuit city can eat a big fat one.

from elizabeth.

read about it here:
http://www.mkeonline.com/story.asp?id=331817

then take a peek here:
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com


there aren't really words for me to explain it, but if you take a gander, i don't think you'll be wasting your time.

star-filled evening.

after a thrilling game of mini golf tonight [of which i receivd the coveted last place award... even after attempting to emulate chris for the final 19th hole... swiftly aiding my bright pink ball straight into the water...] i felt quite sickly, so i aptly decided to go home and watch some television for a while. initially i was thinking of popping in varsity blues, choosing to relive some high school movie fondness, when i realized that not only were the mtv movie awards on for probably the 7th time since they initially aired earlier today, but katie holmes was on dave letterman, and russell crowe accompanied conan o'brien. needless to say, the whole varsity blues plan was quickly aborted. i could barely manage to tear myself away from the celebrity hoopla for two full hours. here are my random comments:

katie holmes is a weirdo. as is her 40 year old boyfriend. she makes me gag, while he makes me "throw up in my mouth a little bit." shut the f up. you look ridiculous. she's four feet taller than him and clearly turned weirdo from what i observed on dave letterman. holy jesus just stop smirking and either answer the questions or talk about your movie. people are going to end up hating you. it's not cute anymore... if it ever was. which it wasn't. barf.

triumph the dog is actually kind of funny when making fun of real life michael jackson supporters outside his trial. and i HATE that f'ing dog. perhaps you had to be there. oh well. trust me. it was hilarious. kind of like when they make fun of star wars fans... but... crazy michael jackson supporting people instead.

russell crowe is funny. something i never thought possible. he seems so scary i always thought... until he started making gay jokes with conan slash making fun of his oh-so-serious charges of "possession of a deadly weapon". good for you, guy. [side note:... i seriously wish conan was my friend. he never fails to make me laugh. outloud. while i'm sitting by myself.]

jimmy fallon is attractive. in a weird kind of way. funny people do something to me, i think... especially when, in one of the skits of the mtv awards, he says, "i got mad at you for making me watch the notebook and now it's my favorite movie. did he hear me say that the notebook was my favorite movie? cuz it's not." or something. man. i forgot how much i miss the notebook. and how every guy that was forced to watch it ended up liking it almost as much as i did. [segway to....]

ryan gosling needs to take me on a date. ASAP. or like, you know... marry me. can i just say that he and rachael mcadams won for best kiss and i thought i was going to die when they accepted their award?! umm i hate to sound like a 12 year old 'huge fan of dirty dancing' girl... but honestly, they both went to seperate sides of the stage and... i think you have to see it. i don't know what it is about him... but man... he's got some weird charisma. watch it when it's replayed forty hundred times in the next six hours, you'll get what i mean. it was like watching the notebook... in real life... and made me sigh for that to happen to me. hahahaaaa god... i am a loser. boo.

dustin hoffman is silly.

foo fighters are coming out with a double cd... half rock, half ACOUSTIC according to hilary duff... and yes, this is VERY exciting news to me. can't wait for it.

celebrities make me feel bad about myself. my looks, my life, how much i love watching them... UGH.

all in all, it was a good night.

:)

stay sexy.

oh, ps... i'm still running on four hours of sleep and am not sure this will make sense when i'm more coherent... and perhaps the kiss thing won't be so dramatic in the light of day... but whatever. right now, sleep deprived as i am... i'm glad i had this stupid blog to write about it in:)

something more satisfying will come eventually, i promise.

ash wedenesday.

so i read a book [title above] by ethan hawke [the actor] a couple years ago.. probably from when i was a junior or senior in high school. i found a marked page with a starred passage tonight that i randomly thought i'd share with the blog world.

"People don't want to hear what really being in love is like, 'cause it sucks. It's like a diamond; it looks pretty from the outside but inside it's hard, angular, and sharp. Truly loving somebody else should never be confused with a good time. Loving somebody is just as painful and disappointing as it is getting to know yourself. it's probably the only thing worth doing, but that doesn't mean it's gonna be a picnic."

granted, he cheated on his wife, which eventually led to their marriage's end, but i think he's on to something, my friends.

"love..., ever unsatisfied, lives always in the moment that is about to come." ~ marcel proust

"we are each the love of someone's life."

so opens the book i am currently almost through with [the confessions of max tivoli. (wonderful.) also the fourth book of the summer. man, i really am a loser.] and one that provokes my mind in a good way. it seems true. and although it seems rare that the same two people find it true of each other, it's a good feeling that one day, if it hasn't happened yet, someone will find us the love of their lives. and that's a fabulous feeling. or false hope. either way. hope just the same.

i happen to be in a very good place at the moment. the past couple weeks, though not visible to most people, have found me changed in some of the most fabulous ways. this happened last summer as well, but not in the same way. this time i think i've come to a realization of who i want to be, or be with, and i found a certain clarity re: the poisonous people in my life. it's taken a year or two, but i find myself happy. happy. a word i sort of forgot about.

some people don't change, and those you need to weed out from your life in the subtlest of ways.

i played 'go to the head of the class' tonight. if you've never played, you may not think you're missing out, but it was fun. you pick a level and answer school-ish questions from every subject imaginable. some of them are impossible, but that's what makes it fun. it was followed by a thrilling game of scattegories junior, which was way harder than the 8-11 age level the box promised. [okay i just read that over and if you don't want to be my friend anymore, i understand. but don't forget to stop talking to tim then as well.]

i feel like an old lady, but it was just so fun to pull my head out of a book, or in front of the telly, or out of the bottle of captain.

i think i'm going to buy boggle tomorrow.

love always,
lb

ps. i saw cinderella man last night and i thought i'd give you the low down - jim braddock was one hell of a man in my personal opinion. he wasn't just a boxer, and i think that's what made the movie so fascinating. [random thought: i am glad i never lived through, and i hope to never live through, anything like the great depression.]