artificial sweetness.

i was once complimented by some girl. it shouldn't mean anything, and i'm not really sure why exactly i remember every detail of it but i can't help it.

so junior year of highschool i was standing in the bathroom putting on carmex or something of the sort. in walks this girl. a year older than me, someone i had never paid much attention to unless she was right in front of me. she washes her hands, turns to me, and says, "that's such a cute shirt!"

insert picture of lauren's shirt: oversized t-shirt. navy blue. all it says on it is "dream team" in white letters. nothing fancy or unique or enviable in this one, folks. simply unattractive to be quite honest with you.

b/c of it's dull appearance, i looked at her funny. "umm... thanks."

"where did you get it?!"

okay, seriously. the t-shirt was acquired b/c my boyfriend at the time was on an intramural team. his dad sponsored them so i got a shirt. it's dumb. i mean, i enjoy the shirt, it's comfortable, but no one else in their right mind would ever think to call it "cute", let alone ask how i got it.

i sort of explained where i got it and when she left i sort of stared at myself in the mirror for a second, trying to see if i could comprehend why someone would think to go out of their way to talk to me about it. my initials that were on the back had pen outlines from where andrew thought it would be funny to color. it was too big. it wasn't colorful or vintage, nor did it have a cute picture or design on it.

i guess i remember it so well because i took it as a sort of condescending compliment. something like wow you're so unattractive i'm going to pretend i really like your ugly shirt. i mean seriously, at least try to talk about my hair or my eye makeup; something that i might be able to believe, or at least debate in my head as to whether or not it was accurate.

i was talking to my friend the other day and explained a few other times i have run into this girl, and we decided together that she must just be an idiot. she's not a mean girl, in fact, she's overly friendly. her job makes me laugh, and it just sounds accurate to think that she's just such an idiot that maybe she doesn't even know what she says.

i wanted to share this with you because people have talked to me about it recently, and also because i think that everyone should just avoid the whole artificial compliment scene. it's stupid and accomplishes nothing. don't say anything unless it's sincere, you know? most of the time you'll just look condescending anyway. one of the worst feelings in the world for me is having someone say something nice and thinking they're just making fun of you. so sad.

avoid the sweet n low.

an ode to timothy.

for those of you who don't know tim ketterhagen, i suggest you work on that. asap. drop anything and everything you're doing and call him up. visit him at school. something. just... know him.

this is my ode to one of my best friends. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"TIM!"

his birthday's tomorrow, you'd better watch out
you won't see this studly man yell and shout!
his humble demeanor will keep it quiet
even with his chance to celebrate and riot.
"my birthday isn't important," he says with a hush
i'll playfully hit him; he's my biggest crush.
i wish he'd have a party where we all could get along
no goals needed at the end, no one to hit a gong.
at this party we'll play our favorite game
[because gator golf is never lame!].
watch him smile when he sings you a song
but they won't be as good as the one for me, or as long!
maybe we can get a bear to walk and stand
he loves it so much, his grin fades when they land.
although his party outfit may be a little old
it will make me smile - his fashion statements bold.
people say he's a dork, but you know they're just jealous
of the way he sways to music and sometimes likes relish.
he might get confused, seeing sattelites as ufo's
don't try to convince him, because only he knows.
he'll make you laugh because that's how he rolls
you'll laugh 'til it hurts, like you just smoked a bowl.
at this party for tim you're all sure to see
his heart's so big and pure you'll say "that's how i wanna be!"
we'll all go bonkers and get all liquored up
he'll fall when he leans, i'll say "giddy-yup!"
at this pretend party all his friends will show
three am will roll around, no one will want to go.
alas, my friends, this party is only pretend
to get him to celebrate you'd sure have to bend.
so, instead of a bash, between you and me,
just make him smile - make him believe -
we want to say hello and that we love he was born
even if he may be a little special, never the norm!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

happy birthday a day early.

:)

almost perfect.

i tend to be drawn to lyrics. for as long as i could remember, i love listening to music when the poetry of the lyrics could either be related to my life, or was just purely a thing of beauty. it's just such an exceptional form that everyone is exposed to every day, but no one really notices. anyway, i love it. it's a bad habit of mine... but if someone else says it better than me, why not borrow it, right? right.

I know we're just like old friends
we just can't pretend
that lovers make amends
we are reasons so unreal
we can't help but feel that something has been lost

but please you know you're just like me
next time I promise we'll be
perfect
perfect
perfect strangers down the line
lovers out of time
memories unwind

so far I still know who you are
but now I wonder who I was
angel, you know it's not the end
we'll always be good friends
the letters have been sent on

so please, you always were so free
you'll see, I promise we'll be
perfect
perfect strangers when we meet
strangers on the street
lovers while we sleep

perfect
you know this has to be
we always we're so free
we promised that we'd be
perfect

~smashing pumpkins, perfect.

i am not bi-polar.

so i just looked over my past entries and realized i have been severly up and down. because of this, i thought i'd clear up the fact that although sometimes i like to pretend i'm manic depressive, i'll be okay eventually:)

since there was a smiley face there, that may mean the next entry will be a bad one.

stay on your toes.

nothing to say.

so i'm having a bad day. i'm sick, stressed out, and tired b/c of the first two. i've been looking for consistency, and have been getting lost. i've been sad and lonely and i think that's why i'm angry as well. because of this, i'm giving you a disclaimer for this entry: i love everyone i talk to. truly. without you, my life wouldn't be what it is now. and although that may not be saying a lot, it is.

so, read with caution. i'm crabby. try not to start talking about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i just want to know something. I've been curious for awhile, and used to think people were just simply mean, but i've realized lately it's more than that i think.

why is it that everyone around me always has something to say?

i can understand if you don't like someone with validity, or choose to call them "dickhead" instead of using their real name out of pure hatred, but what happens when perfectly normal people find themselves the topic of excess conversation?

no one's perfect, i will be the first to tell you from experience. sometimes you've just gotta talk. but when you find yourself listening to people scraping things from the bottom of the barrel to say about other people, there's something wrong.

i'm only now starting to worry about what these people have to say about me.

i always thought that since i was the girl, i just happened to hear everyone's thoughts on everyone else. i blended in, and everyone's stories and opinions just happen to start overlapping. random boy talk, whatever. lately, i'm seriously considering what everyone is thinking.

if you're reading this, you're most likely my friend, and consequently may get offended by this entry... but seriously, think it over. when do you not have an opinion of the ones you hang out with? it's their life, not yours.

it's not just one person doing this. everyone i know has an opinion about everyone else. i just wish someone would tell me to my face, instead of to everyone else. i see people talk so much crap about someone else, then accompany them somewhere, or otherwise befriend them to their face, maybe even join in when they start opinionating about someone else. buddy buddy it would seem. alas, they'll just start the opinions again once alone. is everyone in the world like this?

i'm starting to see why people withhold the truth. people talk. if someone has sex, three days later everyone knows unless the two people have none of the same friends and refuse to tell anyone at all. if someone fights [actually fights, face to face, none of this crap b/h the back shit], it's hard to hide from everyone, unless you're only friends with the most unobservant people ever. when we find out about these things, i guess it's easier to talk about and judge than our own lives? is that why people continue doing it? i'm just flabbergasted.

again, i can understand venting about someone. if you're annoyed, fine. but why does everyone always have SOMETHING to say?? it's not your life. if you are not directly affected by it, who cares? don't be friends with them if you're going to have an opinion about it. we do what we want, and don't need you to agree or disagree.

thanks and have a great day.

yicky icky.

it's official. i am no longer speaking like lauren. being sick... actually, waking up sick randomly... is the worst feeling in the world. not being able to talk on the phone, or sing along to my favorite songs without sounding like some sort of disease ridden patient is comparably worse.

people laugh at me while i smile, metally picturing bows coming out of my imaginary arrow going through their larynx, prohibiting them speech for a while as well. see if they like it.

i just want to be cured. it doens't help that instead of sleeping the next four days, i have instead an 8 page teaching project [complete with worksheets and quizzes attached, as well as any pictures and timelines i feel like including] due wednesday that i haven't started, i have to read 75 more pages in the god awful frankenstein and post by tomorrow, and i need a topic for my persuasive speech, as well as a detailed outline of what i will say due thursday.

i blamed stress for getting sick, i'm going to blame overwork for not getting better.

on an upside, our softball team is apparently 3-1, putting us at some sort of playoff before playoffs. meaning if we win tonight, we not only go to the real playoffs, but we get t-shirts. and, since everyone knows how much i LOVE t-shirts, i may just make a sickly appearance and hope i don't lose the game for the team. we'll see. gooooo effin' ay's!!!

i ran into sean this morning on my way to class and i think he felt bad for my lack of vocal activity b/c he invited me to lunch with him and jason, so i'm going to go prepare for that. maybe afterwards i can find the strength to make it to walmart for some extreme meds. we'll see.

it was an accident of youth,
lauren.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


ps. i'll leave you with one of my favorite 70's show quotes yet, because it makes me smile everytime for some obscure reason:

"wait, this isn't like that time you bought a hamster, named it virginity, and lost it, is it?"
~ eric foreman, after hearing that fez lost his virginity.

peace out.

:)

when am i not myself?

let me be frank for a moment. [you can still be garth. ha. get it.]

lately it has been feeling like everything has been falling apart around me. hearts are broken and rebroken everyday, people come and go, and it seems as though every decision i have made may have just been the wrong one. i'm fairly certain that most of the things i decide are flat out incorrect actually.

it's easy for me to fall in love. it's a bad habit of mine, one where i tend to get emotionally attached too quickly and foolishly. it's easier to attach myself than let go.

the hardest part of letting go is the part where you feel like you're left with nothing. when you realize that you were fine before whoever is ailing you, but now you're left with the lonliest feeling of "who am i going to call now?". when you're someone's best friend for an extended period of time, there's that damn feeling when you have to let go where you don't really know what you can do with yourself.

sick parallels showed themselves in the past couple days, me seeing my broken self in someone else as he spit out some of the meanest things anyone has ever said to me. now i consider myself lost. i sat and thought about the choices i have made this past semester, and although everyone around me had warned me and reprimanded me for most of them, i gave them all the finger and did what i thought i wanted.

i think i was wrong.

i look at the things i chose, and hate myself. andrew reversed the situation and blatently stated my past four months of decisions to me last night, telling me to just look at how awful it was. although it made me feel like absolute asshole, he was right. i realized at the time of it all that i probably should go another way with everything, but i still had some weird wrong impression of how things would work out. i think everytime someone told me what they thought i should do, i was even more prone to disagree with them and do the opposite.

i have never been more selfish in my life than in these past few months. when you really think about it though, where do you draw the line from being selfish and just doing what you want in life? b/c there is a definite difference i think. if you always took into account what others wanted, you'd never be able to live your own life. you are supposed to put yourself first, since it is your life. you can't protect everyone from everything. you can't hold someone's hand through life; shit's going to happen anyway. you can handle things differently. i could have handled things differently.

i sort of just want to move away, or sleep for the next four years of my life. someone else can take over for a while. i think i'm just going to opt out of speaking to the human race until i can get my shit together.

i don't really remember the last time i was really happy; the time when i could just sit down, take a deep breath, and smile. maybe i just didn't take the time to enjoy everything as it was happening. my favorite times were when i was somewhere i could forget everything that was happening in my life. and that's not happiness... i don't want to have to forget. i just want to be content for 3.2 seconds in my life.

i suppose the closest i can remember is last summer. mid july to august. where there was no school, no circles to go around in, no pressure to be anyone or do anything, everything was just day by day smiles. then school happened, people moved away again, i started going in circles, and began the life of not knowing how to make decisions. so, here i am, not happy, wishing someone would just live my life for a while and figure everything out for me while i nap, and wake me up when everything's okay again.

why is it that i won't let myself be happy? i know who is good for me and i know who is special. someone recently decided that i have hurt him too much for him to be friends with me anymore, which i understand and have been there, but i can't help but feeling a little piece of my heart fall apart. i told the person who hasn't been good for me for over two years now that i'm not sure we can talk or see each other anymore. but can i really handle losing everything all at once? the only two people that meant anything to me; the one who left shouldn't have, and the one who's still there is the wrong one. everything's twisted and i don't know if i'm strong enough to lose the only comfort i have left.

i don't know.

i will do just fine.

so i have officially spent my first night in an apartment by myself, and can i just tell you how exceptional it really is? well, it's lovely. i enjoy my solitude, being a semi-anti-socialite... and this is just glorious.

the down side is the $49 i spent at sentry yesterday. but whatever, it's almost worth it. besides, half of it was dish soap, febreeze, and other misc. items that it was my "job" to pick up for the apartment. [bastard.] at least it smells like girl now, having picked out the prettiest febreeze and soap one could find, having a purple flowery theme.

i feel almost responsible. it's kind of scary to think that all the money i've been saving will quickly be spent next year on said misc. items of my own... but i will almost be glad. hooray for responsiblity or something.

i woke up today to the pounding sounds of some idiot working on every window of the building. i'm not sure what was so important that it couldn't wait until at least 10am, but at least the rude awakening allowed me to get in some early morning dawson's creek action. hooray. he is now currently working on the windows of brett's building, and, as i'm staring out at him now, i still can't figure out what the hell they need to do. all i know is that it involved an excess of random poundings with some sort of heavy tool.

i have my... third softball game tonight [i think it's my third. i may be making that up.]. after the absurd loss on monday, it will be pretty difficult to beat. which is always good. once you lose an intramural game by like 462 runs to a team who thinks they're in the mlb [is that what the brewers are? whatever, you got me. you know, they think they're major leaguers.], it's easier to laugh at yourself.

i guess that's the end of my random blog. man, these are fastly going downhill. sorry. maybe when i stop being a hermit something interesting will happen that i can talk about.

for now, i'm off to... um... watch a movie.

seacrest out.

poor nice guys.

highlight of my day:

[preface ~ you know those people who leave your building and don't notice you walking toward the door, so they exit, look at you in an unsympathetic manner, and keep walking, while you're left staring at the fastly closing door in annoyance, reaching for your keys, when all could have been avoided if the person could have just waited 3.2 seconds for you out of pure courtesy? well, i hate those people.]

so i was walking toward my building today, and a random boy was holding the door for like three people. "good for you," i say to myself, holding no expectations that he'd continue to hold it for me, or even see me walking. that's alright, since he already extended his courtesy to previous building enter-ers.

he starts stepping off the stoop and spots me. his eyes go wide with the realization that he may not have held the door long enough. he pivots back to the door and his arm shoots out as he tries to grab the handle to save me from reaching into my pocket for my keys. he misses; the door slams shut.

"that's okay, valiant effort. i've got it," i say to him, still impressed at his door manners.

to my shock, this boy pulls out his keys and proceeds to open the door for me, even though i am standing with my keys in my hand three feet from both him and the door.

here's to nice guys for once.

even though they get the shaft in life, girls preferring the masochism of stupid assholes, here's to the chivalrous ones who are just genuinely kind to others.

keep up the good work.

miscellaneous blog.

alright so there are only about five more short weeks until this year is over, and i'm sort of in shock about it. i just registered for next year, i'm starting to pick out color schemes for my apartment, and i feel like i'm on my way.

it's all very exciting.

i got screwed for my pre-block, having classes every tuesday/thursday at 8, 11, and 215.

yes, that first one is an AM.

as in "the morning".

as in i don't even know what 8am looks like.

the fucking bitch that arranges what block you're in wouldn't give me anything else, even when i told her i'd like to commute to my own observation/participation in either madison or milwaukee. she wasn't even nice about it. i think she just wants to make kids get up before dawn b/c she thinks it's funny.

on a positive note, i'm taking a fascinating english class with jenni... you may have heard of it - "american minority women writers"? no? yeah me either. should be a BALL... [insert sarcasm here.] i got into journalism as well, and convinced doug to "keep the family together" and take it with me, so at least i'll be in a couple classes with people i know and enjoy.

and on my final note ~ if joey ever tells you he broke his leg, don't believe him. if you do, however, and he tells you he did it b/c he got hit by a car in the parking lot, cover your ears or start laughing.

peace out.

oh, ps, i ended up opting out of my trip to purdue. yes, the one that was my idea. it ended up being tim, jason, john, and paul and two of his friends from miami going to visit andy. let's see. that's seven boys, not to mention andy's friends. as much as i enjoy the company of males, i'm not sure i could have handled a sleepover five hours away where i wouldn't be able to leave.

ryan called me a tomboy the other day, which i'd like to disagree publicly with. yes, all of my friends are boys with the exception of about four. but just because i don't really trust girls or appreciate their 24/7 drama doesn't mean i don't enjoy being one. in fact, i think i make a fine female specimen. girls just exhaust me in large numbers.

i told jason i didn't want to go to indiana b/c of the girl/boy ratio and he yelled at me saying, "who do you hang out with every night?" but i think that my biggest deal is that at school, i can leave whenever i want, and lately jenni's been around to keep me company. in purdue, i can't just go home and sleep, and if there would be girls, i wouldn't know them [and those are the girls i hate the most.]. and i'd have to be stuck in a car with boys for up to 9 hours total. that might make me crazy.

too much testerone for someone so fragile and sweet, such as myself. :)

oh that's somethin' that just don't happen twice...

well boys and girls, i did it. i finally accomplished the one thing that really completed this thing called life i have been wasting away these past 20 years. i saw kenny chesney in concert. yes, that's right. you can close your agape mouths right now folks. i can die happier.

okay, so 3/4 of you hate, as my mom calls it, "country western" music, and think i'm a loser for going. but whatever. honestly, i couldn't have asked for a better night. the timing was perfect. it was the most fabulous way to seriously forget about life for three hours. yes, i am a dork, but i think my cowboy [or cowgirl, however you wanna look at it] hat not only fit right in, but helped me pretend i lived in a 506 population town, or whereever half of those true country-ans live. whatever.

[side note ~ not only does gretchen wilson have the most amazing voice i've heard live in a long time, but she is so beautiful it's ridiculous. she has a little girl, and is skinnier than i am. it was a little nauseating, but she may just be my new favorite anyway:) also... "follow me" by uncle kracker is way more fun to sing along with live.]

so i won't bore you with the specific details of the concert's exceptionalism [like when kenny came out on a swing across the kohl center, singing 'keg in the closet'... ahhh beautiful.], since most of you don't even know what to appreciate. all i can say is that it really helped me just be a kid. i get a kick out of my silly white girl moves when i'm in the moment, and i don't care. i hope i looked ridiculous.

at one point i looked out into the sold out show and just smiled because i mean, it's weird, and it's going to sound dumb, but it struck me that everyone there was just... happy. every person was smiling and dancing, and no matter what was going on in anyone's lives, it didn't matter. and it was just this three hour moment that i'll never be able to relive completely, which is a cool feeling. it sort of allowed me to appreciate it all that much more.

every now and then when the caucasion dance moves of myself and steve would occasionally coincide, and we'd end up sort of back to back, singing along to every song, swaying together, it just all felt so right. it was just a happy time. in there, no expectations needed to be met. no one was there to feel self conscious around. it was just me and my friend. having a [sober] blast.

i guess it was just fun. genuine fun that i haven't had in a while. and i hate the word fun, b/c it sounds so simple and easy... but it seems to be appropriate.

hopefully i'll get on the ball and buy my dave matthews ticket soon... and perhaps be sober for that one as well, since apparently it's much more worthwhile when you remember it... and don't get sick on the ride home.

never again, in protest.

random question of the night:

why is it "four", but also "forty"?

don't you think it should be both "four" and "fourty"?

what is that, seriously.

Ketter7: im just never going to write the word 'forty' again, in protest.

[sounds good to me.]

'but only in their dreams can men be truly free; twas always thus, and always thus will be.'

i was thinking the other day about daydreams. and how they have this weird ability to transport me someplace; something i can think about and shape how i want, ignore the ugliness of the truth or realism and just smile for a moment or two.

it really is a fabulous feeling.

even just the ability to take a really strong moment in your life, something that actually happened, and simply... remember. it could be a biased memory, something your mind forces itself to block certain aspects of, but it's yours just the same. a single moment in your life that makes you smile, or gives you shivers, or creates a homemade cookie feeling inside you. it's hard to articulate actually, although i'm sure you get it. kind of like a really good kiss, for example. it's something that you can all of a sudden find yourself smiling about on a random day. the world melts away and you're just... there... and not here for a fleeting second. i dont' know. that makes me happy.

dreams or unrealistic memories are what makes life easier for three point two seconds i feel. we should all be able to bottle them and bring them out when need be i've decided.

the best part about them is that you can take them with you.